On our way

Today we went in for some labs and our first ultrasound to see our new baby.  It was one of the most nerve wracking experiences since losing our dear Madilyne.  I ended up with a panic attack last night, which I do not at all understand.  I didn't feel anxious and was actually feeling calm and relaxed laying in bed, but my heart started racing and I had shortness of breath.

I am seeing that this pregnancy will be LONG and in need of much prayer.  I thank you all for the prayers you are already offering up on my behalf.

Since I am not as far along as I thought, it caused me to worry that maybe the baby wasn't growing not that I wasn't further along...so feared another loss.  Our doctor reassured me that from what he is seeing everything looks fine and normal.  The bummer part was that no heartbeat can be detected until around 6 weeks, so I didn't even get that reassurance.  Can I tell you how hard it is to be calm and wait on the Lord.  Since the appointment I have been so sick and have had such a bad back ache.  I know neither of these are abnormal or sign of demise, but my head wants to land there.  I am thankful for my husband today as he has called numerous time and offered up may prayers for me, us and baby.

PLEASE continue to pray for this.  We know that God has a plan, we know that it doesn't mean that this baby will be "ours," but we are HOPING that God's plan is for this one to come home with us and be in our family for many years.  We also hope that it is healthy and that I can stay healthy and fit.  I so want to be walking more and would love a walking partner.  If you are in the area and would love to walk daily or close to it, let me know.  I don't love walking alone, but need to work so hard to fight all the issues that are part of my pregnancy.  I need to do the best for Jesus, this baby, my family and me.

My next appointment is January 7th.  We should be able to see a heartbeat at this point if it is part of God's sovereign plan.

Dear Jesus,
Please keep our eyes fixed on you, the author and finisher of our faith.  We know that death is something you never wanted to see and fear is not something you want your children to suffer.  We know that Jordan and Madilyne are in your loving care and you care for them so much better than we ever could.  You know our hearts desire is to bring this precious baby home with us, but we also know that if this is not your plan, you can prepare our hearts to still be fixed on you.  Help us desire you more than anything else of this world.  Help us raise our son to love you and seek you daily.  Help us let go of fear and anxiety and to trust in you.

I love you and want to serve you and reflect you better each day.  Help me be an example in my life and this pregnancy.  Our children are not ours, but thank you for allowing us precious time with each one.  Thank you for allowing us to be part of your creating a soul.  What a gift to be part of a miracle.  Help this world see that a baby is a MIRACLE from day 1 in the womb and not day 1 out of the womb.

Amen

Things I have learned from Madilyne's Death

1. Our perspective needs to be ETERNAL
2. Life is too short, Forgive one another
3. Love our Neighbors
4. Having Joy is a choice
5. Love is a gift
6. To Love Deeply is to open yourself up to hurt Deeply, but it is worth it
7. To wish that Madilyne did not die is to wish not to experience her at all.
8. The church SHOULD BE bigger than the building in which you attend.
9. I have more friends than I ever really though I did, yet not necessarily all that I thought I had are the ones that God is using the most now.
10. God is so much bigger than our circumstances.  I am glad that I do not understand His ways, because it would really be hard to worship and serve someone that I could fully grasp.  My God is BIGGER than that.  AMEN

There is so much more, but I wanted to remind myself that I haven't stopped living, caring, breathing, being.  I am still standing and even in sadness, I feel that I am stronger and understand Jesus more as a result.