Happy 3rd birthday, Jordan Rae.

Three years ago we lost our first baby. I miss you, Jordan Rae. I never got to know you as much as your sister Madilyne, but I wonder often what our family would be like if you, Madilyne and Elisha were here in our arms. 

These days don't ever really get easier. I miss you all so much. I long to see you, kiss you, smell your hair, inhale your scent, change your diapers, hold your hand, run my fingers over your soft, dimpled hand, see the rolls of chunk on your body, hear your cries and coos and sighs. 

So many "what could have beens" to live with. 

I will always miss you. My heart aches because my love for you continues and you aren't here to receive it. This love was only meant for you. No other child can ever have the love intended for you. Each of you have your own special place on mommy's heart. 

I love you Jordan Rae. 

You went to see Jesus 5 years to the day from when your great grandma went home to Jesus. I am glad you were able to be held and loved by her and so many others that I love and adore. You are not alone and that gives me comfort. 

I know heaven isn't like earth, but since I am still in an earthly body, I do not understand heavenly things, so it helps this mommy to think of you being loved by those I know. 

Know I love you so and I still cry and ache for you. I move forward each day because God has me here for your brothers. It is not easy to walk without you, but there is still joy because Jesus is in me and I have the pleasure if loving your brothers. 

Until we meet again.  My love will continue.  

How to Mourn with the Parents of Stillborn and Miscarried Children. By John Patton

This I a great article. The original post can be found here:  http://thegospelcoalition.org/mobile/article/tgc/how-to-mourn-with-the-parents-of-stillborn-and-miscarried-children

July 10, 2013. It was the day I was supposed to go to the hospital and find out the gender of my unborn child, a mid-point milestone of pregnancy in the 21st century. Every day, mothers and fathers walk into the doctor's office and wait with eager anticipation as the ultrasound technician helps them discover whether they will paint their nursery blue or pink. Will they plan for the creative destruction of a little boy or the emotional tempest of a teenage daughter? Will they clean peas and cheese smashed into the floor or entertain intense disquisitions about mermaids?

My wife and I already have three children and chose to forego this knowledge with each of them. We were happily surprised with a daughter and then two sons. Our fourth child, the fourth in only four-and-a-half years, threw our life into utter chaos. The baby was a surprise, actually a complete shock, and yet we had adjusted to the logistically nightmarish shape our life took on in March when we discovered this baby's existence. We had four months to talk about a different house, different car, and contemplate the possibility of three kids simultaneously in diapers. We came to love the chaos brought on by the mysterious and awful power of new life. Who were we to judge what God had chosen to do in his providence?

Stillborn 

But we did not go to the hospital on that Wednesday in July. We did not go to find out the gender of our little girl because we found out who she was when she passed from this world into the next at 17 weeks old. Our baby, our second daughter, was taken from us before we ever had the chance to know her. This far along in pregnancy, death in utero means that the mother must labor and deliver the stillborn child.

Stillborn child.

Was she stillborn, or was this just a miscarriage? Just a miscarriage? Medically speaking a child is considered stillborn in the United States once she reaches 20 weeks and beyond in the womb. Earlier death is considered a miscarriage. What do these words mean, though? Either way it means the extinction of human life. I do not know what to call it, but I know that I held my daughter in all her beauty for several hours in that hospital room; I beheld her lovely little toes and fingers and her glorious, if yet largely unformed face. I pleaded with God to welcome her into his kingdom with open arms and be a better father to her than I could ever be. I pleaded with my heavenly Father to help me deal with jealousy and envy at the reality that others would be spending time with my girl and not me. I begged him to keep me content on this earth, for the desire to be absent from this body and present with the Lord and my little Emma Llewellyn positively overwhelmed me. I did not think about suicide but rather a simple urgency just to be gone, to be taken from the pain of this world. Grief is strange that way.

I prayed that my wife would be cared for in the coming months, because I knew that her road ahead was different from mine in some ways. She actually delivered our lifeless child and has wrestled with the possibility she may have done something wrong. However rational her response, if you have experienced this kind of loss, such fears cannot simply be explained away. What if I had not indulged that one sip of wine? Did I inhale toxic fumes? Did I not love this baby in my heart and soul as much as my previous children? What about that potent medication I took four years ago on which you are not supposed to become pregnant? 

It is a tender mercy of God that we learned soon after Emma's death that she died for a specific reason. A fairly rare condition had developed in which the umbilical cord did not attached to the placenta the way that it should have, resulting in a tenuous connection between baby and placenta. That connection failed when Emma began moving around in the womb.

Whether you know the reason or not, your pain is real. Your family has died to what it would have been. Those in your family, church, or community may not understand your pain. They may say insensitive things, act aloof, and fail to understand why you cannot get over losing a person you never met. You can always have another one, right? No, we know it is not that simple. Someone made in the image of eternal God has left your earthly family forever.

Grace must abound in the wake of the death of a child in the womb precisely because others do not understand. And I do not mean grace from others to you, but rather your grace with others. God may call you to the primary task of ministering to others, even as they attempt to minister to you. Their lack of understanding may call for patience and gentleness you can barely muster. God gives this strength, even as he continues to console your heart with his Spirit.

Comforting Those Who Wait for the Resurrection

Death, that most hateful of things, awaits every one of us, yet its sting is unique when it takes a helpless babe.  While we believe Jesus conquered death at the cross, we wait for the resurrection to fully realize the death of death. Until then we must bear the burdens of and mourn with those around us.

The comfort and hope of the resurrection give us great resources for responding to those in your community who have suffered the pains of miscarriage. Here are six thought to keep in mind as you comfort and console.

1. Be content simply to "mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15).Know that your words of comfort will not be much consolation in the short run, even if you have experienced miscarriage yourself. As with most other kinds of loss, each person's experience is profoundly different.


2. Don't try to be the hero. Your may desire to utter just the right words that will bring healing and resolution to mom and dad's pain. But that desire may arise more from your own struggle to reconcile the reality of death with the hope of Christ than from the need of those suffering to hear your words.


3. Remember mom. Her pain will linger after most people have ceased asking about it. Don't be afraid to broach the subject and encourage her six, nine, or even twelve months after the fact.


4. Remember dad. A miscarriage is not a set of circumstances in which mom suffers the pain and dad gives support. It's tempting to think that mom bears all the pain, but a father feels helpless in his own way. He needs much love and encouragement.


5. Be patient.  My wife and I have struggled over and over again to choose worship and dependence rather than despair or indifference. Sometimes we have failed. Be patient with those who seem not to be "getting over" their loss. Pray for the truth of God's goodness to break through. Love, love, love on your friends who have lost.


6. Read them the Psalms. Just pick them up and start reading. They give lyrical shape to the confusion, anger, pain, relief, hope, and every other possible emotion the suffering feel. Reading the Psalms helps us to live emotionally with a doxological mindset. Psalm 34 has been a key text for me.

Miscarriage, like all other loss, presents an opportunity to seek refuge in bitterness, independence, and hobbies or to rest in the bottomless grace of a God who has known the most severe pain and sorrow. His compassion for a family's lost child is matched only by his goodness to us. 

Ripples Away for Precious Children Gone Too Soon

As many of you know, we were going to do the Walk To Remember event, but we have changed our mind. Not because the charity doesn't and didn't help us, but purely because we want to offer a TRUE HOPE to people that experience the painful loss of their babies. Walk to Remember will not allow us to donate "Safe in the Arms of God," by John MacArthur because God is in the title. So as a result, we plan to make our own boxes, hopefully with the help of our church, and distribute them ourselves to hospitals, doctors and families. We want to provide a REAL hope to the hurting families and not just things (though they are nice and encouraging) 

We hope to do a Ripples Away event (Sept 21 or 28) where we can Honor Jesus and share how our lives have changed.  My sister recommended throwing pebbles into a lake and share how our lives have been affected by Madilyne, Jordan, Elisha or any other children that have been rescued to Heaven, so we will have a Ripples Away event at some point for any that would be interested in taking part.  At that time, we would LOVE to see donations of this very special book to share the HOPE of JESUS with other hurting families.

If any of you want to do something in Honor of Madilyne, here is the blog post that I wrote. http://fromamommysheart.blogspot.com/2013/07/ripples-away-for-myers-babies.html


Book from MacArthur's Site - $16
From Amazon - $11.48

9 Months and 1 day 6.1.13

Madilyne,

Today marks the day you have been in heaven as long as you were in my womb. I am absolutely sure that heaven is far better a place is you can even remember the womb. 

You were loved with the best that was in me, but it pales in comparison to what Gid loves you. How could I ever want to wish you back into my arms when you have the absolute best, and yet I do. I am still flesh and struggle with selfishness. 

I had many plans and dreams for you, but that was not the plans or the purpose God had for your life. I pray that God will use us to be part of a bigger purpose for your life. We pray that God will use your life and our love for you to bring more to a saving knowledge of Him. 

We love you and are proud to call you our daughter. We look forward to the day we can see you again and are thankful fir that promise. You brother is so close to accepting. He thanks Jesus for dying on the cross everyday. 

Jesus, draw him to you and love on Jordan, Madilyne and Elisha for us. 

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. 

A Song Can Rise From The Ashes Of A Broken Life

My life has felt like the Song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North, for so very long.  I know that I will have days that I feel like this for the rest of my life, but I finally feel that I am seeing MY song rise from the ashes now.

I am definitely being stretched each day I choose to take a new step to find myself rooted more in Jesus.  I can tell you I am uncomfortable, but I am finding Joy.  God is calling me out of my safety net and asking me to step out and show the love of Jesus to those around me.  I can thank my precious Madilyne for helping me see the beauty in a new day, to feel the love of a precious soul.  I want the people that I interact with from day to day know that they are loved.  I want them to know I am here to do life with them.  I am here to get down and dirty.  I am here to be happy and sad with them.  I AM HERE.  What a precious gift this is.  It is something that can so easily be overlooked and taken advantage of until it isn't there and you feel alone.

Psalm 59:17

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.

I feel so blessed that people have allowed me to step into their lives and serve them.  I feel a little self serving, because while I am serving them, they are also serving me.  The joy of being able to take a day that could be consumed with thoughts that will not uplift or help me and turn that into something that can be a beautiful reflection of Jesus working through me.  I love to think that I honor my daughter best by loving people.

In my last few weeks, I have had the joy of caring for a mommy and her kids while her husband is out of town and she is worn from being pregnant, the pleasure of trying to encourage a friend that feels like they are at their wits end in their relationship and just needed some refreshment, the pleasure of caring for a precious little baby that is new to this world and having a hard time adjusting, the happiness of watching my son play with 2 dogs and seeing him have the joy of a dog in his life again, the bliss of watching a daddy bathe his newly placed foster, soon to be official, daughter, the fun of planning some family events for our church, the creative fun of decorating for an upcoming event at church, the interesting task of creating craft projects for various ages, the fun of making beautiful butterflies made from foot prints with my son and my friend and her daughter, and also the opportunity to prepare a home for a baby once again (not ours - but pray with us).

Have these moments been easy, NOT AT ALL.  Some of these people I don't know at all, or don't know well.  If you know me at all, you know this is not an area that I like to be.  But what is great, when I am weak, He is strong (2 Cor 12:10 -I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.)  Since He called me to do these things, He has provided me the strength physically and emotionally to handle it.  I can't say that tears didn't roll later or that I didn't have to at:tack the desire to envy, or sit and sulk.  Again, my God is big.  He allowed the sadness to be there without going into areas of sin.

I am so excited to see how God will continue to work.  I hope that others will join me in honoring Jesus (and my daughter) by remembering that if we are comfortable, we might need to shake things up a bit.  Reach out and love someone.  Everyone has moments where they feel worn.  Everyone has moments where they feel like life would be easier if Jesus would come back NOW, but we can rise from those moments of being WORN and find the BEAUTY.

Thank you, Lord for a great and hard week.  I feel refreshed and exhausted, but oh so loved, hopeful and filled with Joy.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

As I recall the days

Well, my pregnancy was painful but no problems at all. I had hoped for a natural birth this go round, but as it got closer to the end I was in so much pain I wanted a csection scheduled. I also had mentioned that she is not moving like she typically does. they all passed it off as her size. My doctor referred me to a surgeon. I was not a fan of him from the start. I wanted to have Madilyne at 38 weeks but he wouldn't consider it at all. I asked for the 28 and he said no as it still wasn't 39, so asked for the 30 and he said, no I am busy. I can do the 31 or you are welcome to find another surgeon. This was only 2 weeks away so didn't think I had time to set up another appointment. I remember saying that we may as well wait til sept 1 since it won't make any difference anyway. No idea where that came from except I think god started to prepare me for what was to come.

On the 29 I went in to my doctor and he listened to her heart. He said it sounded good, but I told him it sounded odd. He said it had good rises and strength. I asked him to please strip my membranes as u need to deliver her today. He checked but said I was only 1.5 cm so not really a good idea. I left in tears.

Thursday night as u lay in bed I felt so sick. I latex in bed listening to her heartbeat all night. When we woke, her heart rate was slightly slow, but I felt her moving slightly.

A friend called and prayed for me as she knew I was scared. We had had a miscarriage right before we got pregnant with Madilyne. As we were in route to the hospital for the csection, she gave a huge kick in my ribs. I felt it was for reassurance, but now know it was goodbye.

When we hit there, they monitored and heard her moving, but when they went to hook up to get heart rate they couldn't find it. I still want concerned as she never cooperated with that.

My husband stepped out for a moment and the doctor (the one i didnt like) comes in and does an ultra sound and says, here is the aorta it should be pumping, here is the heart it should be beating. Your fetus died in utero. What do you want us to do. I told them to get her out NOW she was just moving. They said no, so I told them to get out and I started to bea on
My stomach hoping I could do CPR from the outside. I then called all I could think of and asked for prayer that the doc was wrong or that we could cope with the news. I called my other doc and asked him to come now.

He verified the news, hugged, cried and prayed with me and then he helped introduce me to my beautiful and forever perfect princess. Madilyne eleahnah Margaret 8.31.12 @ 1:41pm 10lb 6oz 22in.

Christian apathy

I was mentioning that this is too much with all we have been through and he said you mean with George and Bently the miscarriages and the child. HATE the apathy of Christians in regard to the value of the life of babies. This is my new soap box. My babies died. Miscarriage and stillbirth are terms that help people remove themselves from the situation. As Christians we can't expect the unsaved to care for the life if the unborn when we want to distance ourselves from the fact a baby died.

Him not referring to her by name was belittling, rude and insulting to me.

Honor

Joy or sadness? What will honor Madilyne the best? Is it really even about her or more about me trying to survive?

This path is so frustrating to me. I can be okay and then just fall into a pit. I have hit one of the deepest ones to date and I hate it. My precious girl is worth remembering well, but she is worth every tear I shed for her too.

This time of year is hard all by itself. January 17 i lost elisha. January 19 was bentlys birthday and he isn't with me anymore. February 18 Bently was adopted into his forever home and I am glad he is loved but I miss my boy. March 7 was Jordan's due date, march 20 is when we had to give the boys up.

My head is a whirl in all the losses. I want to be NORMAL. I want to honor God, but I don't feel like I know him anymore. I want to honor my children in heaven, my child with me, my husband, my family and my friends, but what does that look like.

I want people to understand that I truly just feel lost some days, and those tend to be the good days.

How did Job survive the loss of everything? How did Bathsheba survive her babies death? What does God need from me in this? I know my faith can grow as a result. I have read that it can, but my faith is do weak. I have hope if heaven and long for it daily, but hope for a future is hard.

I feel prickly to people and because if that, I understand why people want to stay away, but I need people. I need support, I need love, I need encouragement, I need help. Don't ask me the specifics if what I need because I don't know. I just know I am in need...

To get out of the car and go shopping and know I am not lugging a car seat with me is painful. I want to lug one, I want to be getting no sleep because I am cradling my infant not because I am awake with thoughts that have kept me awake for more than a year of losses. Questions of what I did wrong, what I could have done differently fill every quiet spot in my mind. My body longs for peaceful rest.

My son and husband need me and I am empty. I need to be filled with Christ so desperately, but feel he has turned his back on me. What do you do in those moments. I am pouring my mind into the word constantly, I am exercising to try to care for my body to care for my mind.

How can I be faithful in the journey before me. This is my life. How do I honor Christ first and foremost on this journey? I need help. Please don't turn your back on me. I am sorry for how unpleasant I am. Help me find my way back.

31 January 2013

Dear Madilyne,

Oh my lovely daughter, I miss you so much.  Today is 5 months from the day we had hoped to see you take your first breathe and instead we "ushered" you to the arms of Jesus.  I still hate the end result because I had to walk without you.  I had to put aside my dreams and hopes of and for you.  I have to live everyday watching others with their babies and wondering why.  I have to find the way to take the next step, the next breathe, the next decision without you.

I guess I should change the wording from "have to" to "get to."  Where I don't find this walk a gift in any way, God tells me that it is for good.  Right now does not feel good, but I am trusting that in time I will see the good.  I continue to hope that I see some of it in this life, but I have a feeling that in this life, I will just learn how to take the next step and hopefully help and love on others that lose their precious babies due to miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, foster/adoption loss....any of it.  We have walked it and where I hate it, I just keep hoping that our life will help others somehow.

You would be smiling, laughing, maybe even rolling over now.  I forget the milestones, it has been so long ago.

I have read that the grief gets easier, but never ever goes away.  I have lived that, but our life has not been just about losing you...it has been about losing you, our 2 foster boys, 2 other babies, 2 dogs, 4 fish, a truck, hopes, dreams, relationships, and so much  more...there is just so many other things that come with the grief that it just feels overwhelming and lonely so often.

I want to know people still think of you, but why would they?  They never experienced you and knew you.  I long to hear your name on people's lips.  I know I will cry, but I want to know you are remembered.  I want more than me to remember.

You were special my little girl.

I have thought through this so much and have even wished to go back in time to undue all of this.  Not that you are not worth the grief, because you are, but because it hurts so much.  I feel so lost.  Who am I?  What am I to do now?  Am I to hope for more children?  Is it safe to want more?  can I handle more loss?  How can I make a difference to others?  How can I show that even though I have many questions of God right now, I still LOVE him?

I want to understand God, yet I don't.  I would never want to serve a God that is just like me, but to understand would surely bring comfort, or would it?

I am walking into the next phase without you where you have been gone for more time then I was able to experience your movement...then next phase is you being gone longer than you were here...and then your first Heavenly Birthday.  I just don't know how I am to live this out.  I want to have a birthday party for you every year....but I fear what people will think.  I want to celebrate the life of children that never got to take a breathe....how can I do that and honor your memory too.  I need help trying to figure out how to do this...

I want to have a great birthday party where maybe people share what they do different since you...what you have encouraged them to do that they wouldn't have before...how their life changed since loving you...  Maybe I can even do it where people can bring gifts that we can donate somehow in your memory.  I just don't know, but I don't want to forget you...and having a birthday party helps me know that others won't forget you.  I know I can't force it on them and from things I have read, people have done something like this for their child and no one comes.  That would devastate me too...so what do I do?

I have thought about starting a charity, but just keep thinking maybe instead of starting one, work with one...do donations and such.  I have thought about doing crafts and sewing items with other ladies that we can donate.  HELP ME, Jesus.  I need to do something to love on others that have to walk this.  What do you want me to do?  How can Madilyne's LIFE make a difference?  How can I help save other babies from death?  How can I show those that want to abort a precious child like Lena, that they are real, they are lovely and someone wants to love them.  How can I show them that even if they abort, they will feel depression and sadness deep in them?  They may not want to identify them as alive or have been lead to believe they are just tissue, but having lost 2 at the "tissue" stage, I can tell you that "tissue" is a beautiful living person.  God has formed them very uniquely and they are a small baby...if they were able to see them, you see little eyes, little hands, little feet...they ARE a precious child of God.

I love you...forever and always.  You will be in our hearts and minds as long as we are breathing.

Momma     
   

Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;

Consecrate

1. To declare or set apart as sacred
2. To dedicate solemnly to a service or goal.

My little girl and all other children that die before ever being born (and even those before they understand the decision to choose Christ) are set apart as sacred, they have a GOAL...My Madilyne had/has a goal even in her death.  AMAZING

Praise you

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to be the mommy to Elisha for even such a short time. Thank you for allowing me to partner with you in the creation of life. Thank you for allowing me to feel a new life within me. Thank you for saving my child from this perilous world. Thank you for the eternal life he now possesses.

If I never have another opportunity to experience this miracle of life again in my body, still I will praise you for allowing me this experience of love you had for me.

Psalm 9
1 I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
2 I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

Psalm 57
9 I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.
11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!

Psalm 71:8
But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.

Heartbroken

How much heartbreak can a person take before your heart will never heal?

I feel empty and hopeless. We had hope for yet another precious child to join our family and that was taken away this week with the announcement that there was no heartbeat. This is the second time we have heard this. This time was hard, but not as hard as hearing that madilyne wasn't going to join our family after all on aug 31, but instead went straight to her forever home.

This momma's heart is aching. I don't want to be around people. I just want to hide at home. It is hard to see the pain in others eyes. It is hard to have hugs. It is hard to feel different. I know that their are some that find me selfish. I am okay with that. I won't be here forever, but right now, I need time to figure things out and be okay with Jesus. That is my main priority right now and I am not okay and still have things to work on.

No mommy expects to lose their precious children, but we have seen how uncertain all stages of life are. You never expect this to happen to you, which is naive of us all, but when it does, it is so easy to be devastated and have no idea what to do next or what life is to look like. This is where I am.

I want so desperately to have hope, but I am lacking and need all of you to pray for me as I wrestle hard right now. Please try to understand what you maybe have no way of understanding. Two miscarriages are hard, a stillbirth is harder still, and knowing that the last miscarriage is still in your body and nothing is happening is emotionally trying to a person. Please just pray. We need it so much right now. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is there to interpret our groanings, because that is about all I can muster right now.

Pray too that I can be a good momma to Turner. I am not myself, but don't know who Lynette is anymore. My patience, trust, hope and understanding are so short now and I am far too quick to anger. Please pray where I have been unable to pray. Please hope where my hope is gone.

Thank you

28 December 2012

Dear Madilyne,

You have been gone almost 4 months now and I still feel so guilty in your death.  I wanted to have you on the 23rd, but I didn't fight the doctor.  When he picked the 31st, it felt wrong to me and still I did nothing.  I am so sorry that I didn't know that I should fight harder.  I wish I could go back and do that for you.

My heart still breaks thinking of you and wishing to hold you and remember what it felt like to have you move and respond to me.  I miss you.

Your sibling is growing inside of me now and I try not to worry, but it is so hard.  I don't want to lose another precious child, but I know that I have no control over that at all.  I long for the days where pregnancy was bliss with small moments of panic.  Now it just feels like I can end up at a place of panic within a moments notice.

I have a cold right now and am so afraid to take anything for fear of jeopardizing this baby, but afraid not too in case my temperature is too high as well.

I miss you.  I want you here.  I want people to remember you.  I know that this is something that will be close to me forever.  I want others to remember too because I don't want to be alone in this, plus you are such a precious girl to me and I want people to remember your life.  If you were here, they would remember you.  It is hard to have Christmas and not have a family ornament with ALL my children on it.  I need to do that for me.  I miss you, Jordan, Bently and George so much.  You are all still my family and part of my heart.

I am moving forward in life, but my life will never be the same.  Sometimes I think that is a good and okay thing, other times I just get hurt and angry.  This is such a hard journey.  It is a lonely journey.

I know this sounds like I am in the depths of despair, and I might be a bit.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  I will make it through this day and many others.  I have God to help me.  I have hope because of Jesus.  The suffering and grief is still so real and deep.

I love you my precious girl.  Hug Jordan for me.  I am so excited to get to see you someday and hope that all will be made clear to me.  This ache is so deep.  I know that I will never understand fully this side of heaven, but I do hope that it is a gift that I will be granted when I see Jesus.  To understand.

Love you forever and always and miss you so  much I hurt.

Momma

On our way

Today we went in for some labs and our first ultrasound to see our new baby.  It was one of the most nerve wracking experiences since losing our dear Madilyne.  I ended up with a panic attack last night, which I do not at all understand.  I didn't feel anxious and was actually feeling calm and relaxed laying in bed, but my heart started racing and I had shortness of breath.

I am seeing that this pregnancy will be LONG and in need of much prayer.  I thank you all for the prayers you are already offering up on my behalf.

Since I am not as far along as I thought, it caused me to worry that maybe the baby wasn't growing not that I wasn't further along...so feared another loss.  Our doctor reassured me that from what he is seeing everything looks fine and normal.  The bummer part was that no heartbeat can be detected until around 6 weeks, so I didn't even get that reassurance.  Can I tell you how hard it is to be calm and wait on the Lord.  Since the appointment I have been so sick and have had such a bad back ache.  I know neither of these are abnormal or sign of demise, but my head wants to land there.  I am thankful for my husband today as he has called numerous time and offered up may prayers for me, us and baby.

PLEASE continue to pray for this.  We know that God has a plan, we know that it doesn't mean that this baby will be "ours," but we are HOPING that God's plan is for this one to come home with us and be in our family for many years.  We also hope that it is healthy and that I can stay healthy and fit.  I so want to be walking more and would love a walking partner.  If you are in the area and would love to walk daily or close to it, let me know.  I don't love walking alone, but need to work so hard to fight all the issues that are part of my pregnancy.  I need to do the best for Jesus, this baby, my family and me.

My next appointment is January 7th.  We should be able to see a heartbeat at this point if it is part of God's sovereign plan.

Dear Jesus,
Please keep our eyes fixed on you, the author and finisher of our faith.  We know that death is something you never wanted to see and fear is not something you want your children to suffer.  We know that Jordan and Madilyne are in your loving care and you care for them so much better than we ever could.  You know our hearts desire is to bring this precious baby home with us, but we also know that if this is not your plan, you can prepare our hearts to still be fixed on you.  Help us desire you more than anything else of this world.  Help us raise our son to love you and seek you daily.  Help us let go of fear and anxiety and to trust in you.

I love you and want to serve you and reflect you better each day.  Help me be an example in my life and this pregnancy.  Our children are not ours, but thank you for allowing us precious time with each one.  Thank you for allowing us to be part of your creating a soul.  What a gift to be part of a miracle.  Help this world see that a baby is a MIRACLE from day 1 in the womb and not day 1 out of the womb.

Amen

8-9 December 2012

Dearest Jesus, Turner, Madilyne & Jordan,

Well,  I have felt that I have been pregnant, but have been way too afraid to be hopeful.  The night after the memorial tea that I had for Madilyne and Jordan, we went out to get my stuff to play soccer.  I didn't want to risk playing if I was pregnant, so tested that night.  I used a cheap dollar Tree test and was certain there was a very FAINT line, but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I woke up very early in the morning and took another test that would spell it out for me.  Well, it spelled out the word PREGNANT.  I crawled back into bed and told Daddy and he just started to weep as did I.  We are so excited and anxious at the same time.  We will be doing a lot of casting or cares on the Lord during this time.  I know there will be many others praying with us on this journey and we WANT them all.

Turner has been telling us for weeks that we were going to have another baby soon and that there would be two, one of each.  Well, he was right about the soon.  We will see if he is right about the two.

As I had mentioned that the 8th was a memorial to my girls, the 9th was Child loss awareness day.  It was so nice to have hope at a time we are missing and remembering you both.  It is nice to have something exciting to end the year.  If this pregnancy goes well, we will be holding them right after Jordan's 2nd year in heaven and right before Madilyne's 1st year in heaven.  Another hope that we had.

Jesus, thank you for this gift and opportunity.  We plead with you so much that this precious baby can be in our arms, alive and well.  We know that you will be there to hold us up if that isn't our plan, but we are hopeful that you plan matches what we are hoping in.  Hold us up, Jesus.  There will be moments of panic and concern as with all pregnancies.  Help me be a better pregnant mommy this time around.  The hormones are torturous and I am not very nice.  I want to be a better light to my family this time around.

 We love all our children and we are excited to welcome another one into our lives, no matter what the plan will prove to be.

Mommy

Our Rainbow baby

I was not sure that this day would come, but it has....we are expecting our Rainbow.  We know that it may not come, but still we will trust.  Madilyne was to have been our rainbow to Jordan, but our rainbow never made it.  That doesn't mean that God is not still a God worth trusting.  He is.

If life were always easy, we would NEVER need or want Him.  I am not suggesting that we need to only want Him because we are having hard times, but what better way to get us humble and back on our knees than not getting what we want?  To suppose that we knew the best thing for our own life is thinking far too highly of ourselves then we ever should think.

I am thankful that I do not understand God fully.  I like the mystery of trying to understand Him.  It would be so much harder to serve someone that I could understand fully.  What a fun day when we stand before Him able to worship Him perfectly and to gain an understanding of the things that we just couldn't before.

Our rainbow baby is due approx Aug 17, but will more than likely come the end of July if the Lord wills it to be so.

Please pray for and with us.

14 December 2012

Dear Madilyne,

When you got to heaven, did you see Jordan?  Is Jordan a boy or a girl?  We don't know but just thought she was a girl.

Did you find Grandma Cookie and Grandma Joan there?  Are they hugging you and taking care of you?  Did you find Grandpa Larson and Grandpa Olson?  Are they telling you lots of stories?

Have you met Jonah?  Turner loves the story of Jonah, mostly because he has a friend Jonah and he loves Nemo.  We read it to him or talk about it pretty much every day.

Have you met Esther and Ruth?  Have you met Paul?  Have you heard the Bible read to you by Jesus or did you just know it when you got there?

What does your house look like?  Do you have so many jewels in your crown?  You made such an impact on people in the life you did live, that Daddy and I are certain you have lots of jewels.

Hug Jordan for us.  Tell her we think about her too.  We haven't forgotten her even though it might seem like it.  We didn't get the pleasure of ever feeling her or seeing her face.

We have missed you for the 15 weeks you have been able to be with Jesus.  We will never forget you.

I love you both from earth to heaven,

Momma

Ornament Swap

Dear Jordan and Madilyne,

I participated in an ornament swap this year on another baby loss site.  I really enjoyed the opportunity to make something for their babies and to also be able to pray for them.

I love how God works out details even.  I connected with both babies for different reasons.  Micah David touched my heart because he shares a name with Turner David.  My heart broke for the mommy that lost her Micah David and I thanked God all the more for my special blessing in Turner.

The other ornament was for a twin.  This little one died on my birthday this year. I will forever think and pray for this mommy when my birthday rolls around, knowing that her heart will break on that day because she isn't holding them in her arms.

I am thankful that both ladies I made ornaments for are Christians.  I pray I will have more opportunities to know them and pray for them.  I know God will use me if I am willing.  I pray that I will be open to moments to be used.

22 November 2012

This is our "3D picture" of you.  Turner loves this baby doll
so much, and Momma likes to hold it from time to time.

Dear Madilyne,

Today is your first Thanksgiving and I know you are able to rejoice and be thankful perfectly.  We miss you every day and talk about you always.  You are forever part of our family and are loved beyond measure.  Tomorrow you are 12 weeks our baby girl in heaven.  There are so many questions I have about heaven now that you are there.  Do you grow, are you still a baby, did you go to a full size form, have you seen Grandma Larson, Grandpa Larson, Grandpa Olson, Jordan, Joan, Grandma Holt, Grandpa Stoops and so many others?  Have you talked to Jonah?  Turner loves the story of Jonah, partly because his best friends name is Jonah and the other part is he loves the show Nemo.

This is the quilt that Great Grandma
Olson made special for you.

We are going to send some balloons up to you and Jordan today as a family and it will be so much fun.  Turner loves doing it and picked out the balloons he wanted to send to you.

I hope that you get so many hugs and kisses and you know we send them to you all the time.

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the Lord has made;
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Please know that we still rejoice in the Lord in the middle of our sadness.  We are thankful that we loved you so deeply to be this grieved  but we are so thankful as well that Jesus died so that we can forever live with Him and know that you are safe and there rejoicing in the Lord perfectly.

Your brother has been very emphatic lately at how much he misses you, George and Bently, but he goes on to tell me that SOON we will have a baby.  He then continues to tell me that we will have 2, one of each.  I don't know if this little man is being hopeful or prophetic, but it is so fun to see him excited by the prospect and wanting it even though he has faced much loss.  He loves you so much.

Love you from earth to heaven,

Momma


PS - need to change the orientation of the pictures, but have to make your dad his "angeled" eggs.

8 November 2012

How will you rate?  Please have a heart and help.

Dear Marketplace,

I just wanted to encourage your company to think about baby registries and how you can better help parents.

Let me start by saying I had a registry with you for my daughter.  She was due to arrive 8.31.2012, and where she was born, she was still born and had died just moments before we were to welcome her.

I am sure you are wondering why I write to you.  Well, I have heard that if you have a registry with a store that specifies your due date, that information is shared, sold or something.  I don't know what you do, but I know that you are the only place that I registered and I have been getting all kinds of formula from companies as well as bottles, coupons etc.  I plan to also work with the Medical world on this, but wanted to start with you to see if there is something that you can do to help mitigate this.  I was fine when receiving it, but not all moms will be okay.  It is hard to lose your child and then get those kind of reminders that seem to taunt you.

I would love to work with your company somehow to figure out ways to really reach out to those that have lost a baby and instead of them receiving stuff for baby, maybe they could receive information about candles, custom necklaces, etc to remember their baby by.

please get back with me or have someone get with me that I could talk to about how we can really make a difference to those that have lost a baby.

If you want to see how you can impact people and how it could affect your bottom line (I know you are a company and will probably not contact me if you can't see the impact to you) please reach out to me and let me work with you.  There are more than 600,000 parents impacted a year in just the US alone that have lost a child due to stillbirth, miscarriage and early infant loss.  That is a lot of people that could be frequenting your store or that could choose to steer clear because you seem callous.

Let me help you...I am a mom that wants to make a difference for the sake of my precious girl I lost.

For the love of my Madilyne and my Jordan.

Lynette

My Fault?

http://care.diabetesjournals.org/content/30/Supplement_2/S175.full
http://www.cdc.gov/features/DiabetesPregnancy/
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-effects-of-gestational-diabetes-on-the-baby.htm
http://miscarriage.about.com/od/riskfactors/a/Diabetes-In-Pregnancy-Loss.htm
http://www.kotapress.com/section_articles/childDeath/stillbirth/shouldKnow_stillbirth.htm


Should be able to have a CERTIFICATE, yet no one told me and I can't find how to do it.

http://www.state.co.us/gov_dir/leg_dir/olls/sl2004a/sl_158.htm