33 months

You would have been 33 months today. This mommy misses you so much. I hear it is to lessen, but I still miss you everyday. The tears aren't there as much, but the ache is still near. 

I can hardly wait to see you. You have two fantastic brothers. Turner talks about you all the time and thinks of you every time he sees a butterfly or a balloon. 

This picture is how I have always imagined you would have looked. I bet only more beautiful. 

I love you princess Madilyne. Forever and always. 

Nursing your little brother

I loved nursing you older brother so very much and hated when he weaned himself. I was so excited to experience nursing again with you.

And then it happened, you were gone before I had the chance. My milk still came in and all I could do was dump it down the drain. It was hard that I couldn't donate it or do something helpful with it. 

When we knew Liam was coming, I was once again so excited to nurse. I didn't even consider how hard it could be. 

Then after Liam was born, I was all alone in the hospital in the middle of the night and woke up engorged and emotional. Then I had to wash all the pumping materials and it hit me. I wept all night long. I felt alone, I felt torn between grief and sheer happiness. What new mommy has to do that. I felt like I had to pick between my feelings and doing so betrayed one if my children.

I sat alone from 3am until 10am and just desired someone to sit with me. Everyone had come the day before, so I figured not many would come, and if they did, would they understand or judge?

That day just continued to get harder. I was trying to have a hospital picnic with my family when a social worker came in and interrupted with no apologies or compassion and told me I had to talk to her about my past pregnancies. I told her it was a hard day and I don't want to talk now. She just kept pushing and told me I would not be released until I talked with her. At that point I could no longer be kind and told her I had no desire to talk to her about my children. She would not relent. I finally had to get help from my husband who asked her to leave. (Short and nice version of the story)

I was now right back to before and felt out if control emotionally and angry that someone was so heartless and turned me into a checklist so she could go home.  

I later found out that she called my doctor to inform him that I was incredibly inappropriate and she feared for my children. REALLY?  I was inappropriate?  Aren't most new moms emotional after birth without having 3 babies die between your sunshine and rainbow babies?  How was it she didn't see herself as completely in appropriate?

I did ask a nurse why this happened. I asked if they turned me in. They said my record flagged her but she NEVER should have handled it like that. All the nurse staff was fabulous for the most part and let me talk if I needed to and were filled with compassion. The nurses were so upset about how I was treated that they took it up chain. They did so to help other mothers in similar experiences never have to encounter this. 

We have been contacted by the president about our experience and are trying to walk carefully. We don't want to cause problems for us or the social worker, but we do want to help educate those who have never walked this journey so they can have more compassion and better planning and communication when approaching someone in this journey. 

I still find myself so torn in my emotions. I see both my older kids in Liam. It is hard to look at Liam sleeping. He looks like Madilyne. This can raise fear in me. I pray so much to not be a freak and be calm. I need God and prayer daily. 

I am so thankful for my beautiful 2 boys here on earth. I am grateful for this opportunity and want to be found faithful to complete it well. 

Nursing still continues to be an emotional and physical struggle for me. I am trying because it is what is best for my beautiful Liam. 

Please continue to pray for me if you thinkng it. Liam is helping with the healing, but he will never bring my Madilyne back, and that is just a hard reality to walk everyday. I will never have my girl. 

Memorial items organized?

So, 18 & 1/2 months after you died and I have finally organized and put your memorial items away. I still need to do your scrapbook of sorts, but not sure I can do that alone. Especially not right now. I have really been missing you and struggling with sadness and loneliness. There just seem to be little girls your age all around me. There is joy in seeing their life and seeing the stage you would be, but how my soul aches for you. 

I have been hurting so much that you do not have a grave site, headstone, engraving, memorial marker, plaque, nothing. The world discounts your existence because you never "lived". I feel I am minimizing your life because I haven't done something. I want to scream from the mountain tops how real, loved, wanted you were. You existed, you were special, you had a purpose in this life. You are missed every day. 

I long to have a little girl to raise. Not to replace you because no one ever  will. I want to experience the mother-daughter relationship in hopes of having one like I have with my mother. I can't even come close to being as amazing a mom as mine, but I want the chance to try. I wouldn't trade Turner for anything at all. He is a joy and a blessing to us and many. He is daddy's boy all the way around though. I want a fun relationship like they have. You are a missed. All the lost hopes, dreams, stages.  

God is still good even in our losses. That is a hard thing to wrap your head around. To say my daughter died and that is what I am saying is good, fights in my head. The truth is that God still is good even though my daughter died. That wasn't His original plan in creating the world. But, He did make allowances for us to still be with Him despite our choices. My daughter is in heaven with him now because Jesus died to save us. That is good. She is safe, perfect and living with Jesus.   My daughter was gorgeous on this earth, but she is perfected in every form of beauty now. No earthly child can compare to her. Sorry moms, your child is cute, but Madilyne wins. :). Humor is good. There is healing in it. 

It is time to move another step further in our journey, and so I cleared out the items from your room. Our upcoming special bundle or foster child needs a place. I have been able to unpack and wash some clothes for baby.  The room needs to be a place to minister, not tie us to the past. You were never meant to live with us in that room. We need it for life, not to tie us any longer to your death. We need to honor your memory and our Lord by taking steps forward. Some of these take a really long time, but we are trying to be faithful to still take them. This will not ever change how much I love you.  We have been able to use your room to minister to others, it is now time to use that room to minster to our family. This will never change our love for you and how much we miss you. 

I will love you forever, Madilyne. 

Thirteen months old

It is amazing how you don't have to be aware of anything for your very being to just know. 

Yesterday I was having a really hard day and struggled with emotions and sleep. I didn't connect it until later that night. It was the end of another month. My precious Madilyne is 13 months. 

The time seems so long ago yet just seconds in the past. I still miss her so much and will forever wish things were different. 

I have seen many blessings in my life and my families as a result, so praise The Lord it wasn't all in vain. 

My son still talks of what a great big brother he is to Lena. Every balloon he gets he sends up to heaven with hugs and kisses for her. He wishes over and over that she was here with us. I don't know that any would disagree. 

Today was a little less emotional, but still felt some if the weight. 

I love you my beautiful and perfect Madilyne.

This is Turner at 13 months. Would you look anything like him, what would you be doing?  We know you are getting to learn from your father and praise him in complete abandon. What is that like?  I can hardly wait to do that with you. 

You are loved and missed by so many. I will never forget and always hope others won't forget or stop speaking of how their life was changed as a result if your life. 

Build a bear birth certificate

The other day we went as a family to make a bear for Madilyne that we can use for future family pictures just as a remembrance of her. When we got to the end they gave us a birth certificate for our Madilyne bear. This is something that in the past never caused me much concern, but this time was different because I realized that the certificate actually says a birth certificate.

When did we as a society start taking things so flippantly? I know that it can be cute, but when you can get a "birth" certificate for something that was never alive, but you can't for a baby that was, we run into another area of complete and total apathy to the value of life that God has deemed important since the moment he formed them in the womb.

Psalm 139:13
New International Version (NIV)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.


Take notice, my friends of how the world continues to find ways to desensitize life without even knowing that they have done it, yet Satan is fully aware of the battle he is winning over souls each and every second, and I mean second.

1 Peter 5:8
New International Version (NIV)
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Children are a gift, a blessing, a creation, a miracle no matter how long they live inside or outside the womb.

A Family Thanksgiving

We had a very nice day with my family for Thanksgiving.  We had way more food than was necessary, as is typical, but had a few new things that we did this year that was lots of fun.

Casey asked grandma if people could go around and say what they were thankful for.  I had wanted to do that as well and had made up something so we could write them out and create a gratitude journal to look back on as a family, but I of course forgot them...I am thankful that Casey thought to ask.  It was so cute to hear what each person was thankful for.  I am going to try to remember them for you:

1. Casey - (drawing a blank...need help family that reads this)
2. Simon - (drawing a blank...need help family that reads this)
3. Jason - That he didn't get hurt in the turkey bowl
4. Riley - (drawing a blank...need help family that reads this)
5. Amy - watching the leaves dance in the street and watching the Trees dance this morning from my window.
6. Logan - For papa's wisdom that he will share with him when he asks, Torrey is funny, Turner makes him smile, Nette, as the pastor said is full of faith, Grandma is sweet and makes good food (so does Nette and mommy), Casey makes me laugh, Simon's dark eyes get him out of trouble, daddy is fun and likes to play with us, Riley makes me smile, Mommy is nice and sweet. (we all started crying on his)
7. Papa - For family
8. Torrey - for his family and not getting hurt in the turkey bowl
9. Turner - for helicopters
10. Me - For Jesus and how because of Him we can have hope and see our our babies again.
11. Vickie - For salvation and for family that gets along.

After we were done going around the table and crying together for the kind words and for those we are missing this thanksgiving for multiple reason, we moved to the next thing.

Torrey and I had decided that we want to make sure to "include" Madilyne and Jordan at holidays and had talked about doing candles on the table (which I still like, but we didn't do this time), but we settled on buying balloons to release as a family, so this time I bought a balloon for all there were to be present (on deflated before the release however).  Turner loves to let them go, so figured that the kids would all like it as well.  I think the adults could have enjoyed it, but I think we try to be too adult and have a brave face...so we enjoyed it because of the kids...little steps.

Logan, when he heard we were going to release balloons to Madilyne and Jordan decided he was going to send up a note to them.  I love his heart so very much.  This little boy loves Jesus and will do his best to reach the world if we allow him the chance.

Logan was a little disappointed when he released his balloon as it got caught in the tree.  He and papa both had theirs get stuck.  Logan wanted to make sure the girls got their note.  Amy told him that it was okay, because maybe the people that got the balloon in their tree needed to hear the name of Jesus.  Papa went out later and was able to come back and report that the balloon had gotten free.  Logan was so happy to hear that.

What a great day it was talking, playing games, crying and just being together.  I know it was bittersweet for me.  I would have loved to have been holding my precious little girl in my arms and nurturing her and watching her laugh and smile, but I know that she was doing that in heaven...that is the place that all those things are PERFECTLY done.  

Madilyne & Jordan, your family loves and misses you so.  

Until we see you again,

We love you from Earth to Heaven, FOREVER.

Momma

At the first moment

At the first moment I learned the bare facts I was frozen, inside and out. This cannot be. How could it? Shock, horror, disbelief. My worst fear, OUR worst fears realized. What do I do? What can I do? I need more time. More time to think, to find an answer, a way to understand.

The whole world continues to move around me, but here I am stuck, suspended in disbelief.

The words “…could not find a heartbeat.” echo still in my head.

Take mine! I don’t need them, take mine, TAKE MINE! If they were but mine to give, they would surely be hers now.

It is sinking in. There is the intellectual knowledge that one cannot dispute the cold sterile facts. No negotiation, no argument, no bargaining.

Certainly in the history of man many have grappled with this dark reality. Yet, in all that time our language lacks even an approximate way of articulating the sense of these things. I choke on the words that do reach my lips knowing that they are horribly inadequate.

The only expressions I can give now are the tears and moans that convulse my whole body. They come without my consent, without notice. It hurts my head, it hurts my eyes, it hurts to the tips of my fingers. Sleep eludes me. It is as if something is sitting upon my chest, when I lie down and when I stand.

I asked a friend, “Why does it hurt me so much, this was not my child?”

“Kelly, she is your flesh and blood.” comes the reply. Indeed it is so. She was. She is. How else can I understand how a perfectly formed, beautiful little girl on whom I will never lay eyes, and never touch can move me so?

I do not fully understand how I could have committed this piece of my heart to this little one I have never seen and never knew. It was the great hope of future joy that is robbed.

But, I am driven to the Psalms. Those that were once unclear to me have come into sharp focus. The depth of expression, the anger, the pain, the wrangling, is comforting. If death did not move us so, it would make the very foundations of our faith meaningless. We are not alone in our suffering.

I am comforted with the knowledge that you are supported by your family, your friends, and your spiritual brothers and sisters. This thing is good. It is as it should be.

In the days and years ahead we will still feel the impact. It is dark at this moment, but surely we can comfort ourselves knowing that it is but a moment in a greater reality.

I hate the distance between us. It reviles me. Oh, to be there with all of you. I am so sorry.

Hold Turner close. Take care my dear Lynette. Take care my dear Torrey.

Rest sweetly and peacefully my dearest Madilyne.

With all my love,
KL

Madilyne's Album

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The new way to make a photo album: photo books by Shutterfly.

How day to day moments can affect you

Today we had the wonderful privilege of celebrating the first birthday of a very special little boy.  I hadn't really anticipated how that would affect me in any way until I stood there watching him try to figure out how he was going to eat his cake.  At that moment, the tears threatened to come as I thought of how I will never experience that very moment for Madilyne.  My heart was grieved and my head was wandering.  God was faithful to me, once again.  He allowed me to find joy in the moment instead of letting the tears and depression come.  This was a moment to celebrate LIFE.  This special little boy has life here on earth and I have been blessed to be part of his life.  I do not need to cling to things that can never be, but rather appreciate what is and how God wants to work in me through each moment. 

And so, I started thinking of how we can still find a way to celebrate our lovely daughter on the day of her birth and what we could do to rejoice in the gift that God gave us in her.  I still have not thought of what we can do, but have determined that I don't want to miss the opportunity to remember ALL the family that God gave us.  How can we continue to celebrate HIS faithfulness to us? 

A celebration is defined as:

The action of marking one's pleasure at an important event or occasion by engaging in enjoyable, typically social activity.

A celebratory event or series of events.

All of our children that have come and gone from our home are worth celebrating.  God was good and caring for us in all of them, even though the outcome is not what we had expected.  We can still celebrate God. 

If you have suggestions on ways to celebrate, whether as a family or as a group of believers, I would love to hear ideas.  I know that I do want to release balloons in recognition of Jordan, Bently, Georgie and Madilyne.  Balloons seem to be our thing.  Torrey and I did it the day before we got engaged at the place of our first meeting, so balloons are just a part of us.  Balloons just make people happy.

Psalm 34:8
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Psalm 66:20
Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me!
Psalm 84:4-5
Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Selah
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
Psalm 84:12
O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!
Psalm 113:2
Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore!
Psalm 119:2
Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart,
Proverbs 16:20
Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
Proverbs 28:14
Blessed is the one who fears the LORD always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

She was ALIVE

One of the hardest things that I had to face with Lena's death was at the hospital when I asked for a birth certificate for my daughter.  The nurse left and came back and told me that since she died in Utero and was born still, she will not get a birth certificate only a death.  My head was screaming...SHE WAS ALIVE...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER.  She was born, she just didn't have life in her at that point, but she had it just moments before. 

As a mom, you never expect to have a pregnancy end in death even though you know it could happen.  For healing alone, moms (parents) need to know that their child can be recognized for the short life they did have weather is was outside or inside the womb.  Hospitals would do a huge service to parents if they would create something.  I don't think anyone is looking for something official that is filled with the state, just the treatment that their child existed and the parents need them to be real to others. 

My Heart was so grieved.  Because she didn't live outside the womb, the state will not recognize her life only her death....you cannot die if you were not alive.  This might seem like something small, but for mothers and fathers and families that have lost a precious child, no matter when during the pregnancy, it hurts that their life cannot be recognized.  She WAS alive, she had LIFE, she had a purpose....help us recognize our special blessings with something that seems so simple yet is so huge.

I have been able to find a site that will make a lovely commemorative certificate for Madilyne (and even for Jordan Rad).  I need to have that to put into her memory book.  I have memories with her when she was alive and I need to recognize that the time was real and significant.

I have seen that there are bills in several states about this very issue and so many others surrounding miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.  Until you are in the throws of such things, you don't always know all the "issues" that surround us.

Just a word to those walking through this yourself or with a friend...You need your child to be recognized, talked about, stories shared about the impact they made in your life or others.  Ignoring that they existed is cruel and unusual punishment.  We cannot promise that tears will not come, but we would rather you talk to us about our babies and we cry, then we cry because you will not acknowledge their existence. 

SHE WAS ALIVE....GOD HAS A PURPOSE....SHARE WITH US HOW GOD HAS USED HER IN YOUR LIFE.

Madilyne Eleahnah Margaret Myers (08.31.2012) and Jordan Rae Shalom Myers (07.20.2011) are very real and are very loved.