A Song Can Rise From The Ashes Of A Broken Life

My life has felt like the Song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North, for so very long.  I know that I will have days that I feel like this for the rest of my life, but I finally feel that I am seeing MY song rise from the ashes now.

I am definitely being stretched each day I choose to take a new step to find myself rooted more in Jesus.  I can tell you I am uncomfortable, but I am finding Joy.  God is calling me out of my safety net and asking me to step out and show the love of Jesus to those around me.  I can thank my precious Madilyne for helping me see the beauty in a new day, to feel the love of a precious soul.  I want the people that I interact with from day to day know that they are loved.  I want them to know I am here to do life with them.  I am here to get down and dirty.  I am here to be happy and sad with them.  I AM HERE.  What a precious gift this is.  It is something that can so easily be overlooked and taken advantage of until it isn't there and you feel alone.

Psalm 59:17

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.

I feel so blessed that people have allowed me to step into their lives and serve them.  I feel a little self serving, because while I am serving them, they are also serving me.  The joy of being able to take a day that could be consumed with thoughts that will not uplift or help me and turn that into something that can be a beautiful reflection of Jesus working through me.  I love to think that I honor my daughter best by loving people.

In my last few weeks, I have had the joy of caring for a mommy and her kids while her husband is out of town and she is worn from being pregnant, the pleasure of trying to encourage a friend that feels like they are at their wits end in their relationship and just needed some refreshment, the pleasure of caring for a precious little baby that is new to this world and having a hard time adjusting, the happiness of watching my son play with 2 dogs and seeing him have the joy of a dog in his life again, the bliss of watching a daddy bathe his newly placed foster, soon to be official, daughter, the fun of planning some family events for our church, the creative fun of decorating for an upcoming event at church, the interesting task of creating craft projects for various ages, the fun of making beautiful butterflies made from foot prints with my son and my friend and her daughter, and also the opportunity to prepare a home for a baby once again (not ours - but pray with us).

Have these moments been easy, NOT AT ALL.  Some of these people I don't know at all, or don't know well.  If you know me at all, you know this is not an area that I like to be.  But what is great, when I am weak, He is strong (2 Cor 12:10 -I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.)  Since He called me to do these things, He has provided me the strength physically and emotionally to handle it.  I can't say that tears didn't roll later or that I didn't have to at:tack the desire to envy, or sit and sulk.  Again, my God is big.  He allowed the sadness to be there without going into areas of sin.

I am so excited to see how God will continue to work.  I hope that others will join me in honoring Jesus (and my daughter) by remembering that if we are comfortable, we might need to shake things up a bit.  Reach out and love someone.  Everyone has moments where they feel worn.  Everyone has moments where they feel like life would be easier if Jesus would come back NOW, but we can rise from those moments of being WORN and find the BEAUTY.

Thank you, Lord for a great and hard week.  I feel refreshed and exhausted, but oh so loved, hopeful and filled with Joy.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

What I Mean When I Say, “My Daughter Was Stillborn” | Still Standing Magazine

What I Mean When I Say, “My Daughter Was Stillborn” | Still Standing Magazine

This is a GREAT article that so closely depicts what stillbirth is like.  Oh how I HATE that term...not one part of it describes the situation at all.

Molly Piper

I just heard about Molly Piper today and went searching to know more. Here is an article I stumbled upon about her loss of Felicity Margaret Piper 9.22.07.

I found this article here: http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/07/what-id-like--4.html

What I'd Like For You To Know: The Mother Of a Stillborn Child

This is the third part of the weekly "What I'd Like For You To Know" series (background on the series can be found here). Today's contributor is Molly Piper--you can read her delightful blog here. Molly has written tenderly and clearly about her loss (for example, this post), and I've learned much from her these last few months. I asked her to tell you her story, and to help us all understand better how to reach out to a friend who is enduring grief.

A year ago I was seven months pregnant with our second child. We found out at our 18-week ultrasound, much to my delight, that this one was a girl. As the last months of pregnancy ambled on, we got more and more excited. We had done the boy thing already; we were ready for a daughter.

Everything was normal as the end of pregnancy drew near. There were no signs of a problem when I visited the doctor that final week. However, at 39 weeks and 4 days, I couldn't shake the feeling, “I haven't been feeling this baby move as much.”

We went to the hospital, not really alarmed, but concerned. When they couldn't find her heartbeat, mine beat fast enough and furiously enough for both of us, as though it were trying to live for her. Ultrasounds confirmed that our child had died.

We delivered her that day—September 22, 2007—Felicity Margaret Piper. She weighed 9 pounds, 5 ounces and was perfectly formed, though her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.

I had no category for “stillbirth” before this. Who gets 39 weeks into a smooth pregnancy and doesn't think they're definitely going to bring home their baby?

The road we've walked the past 10 months has been horribly difficult, the hardest thing we've ever walked through in our lives.

Here are some things I'd like people to know about me during this time. Maybe it will be helpful for you as you love other women you know who are living through the loss of a child.

I'm Exhausted.

Grieving is horribly tiring. It taxes the body, mind, and soul in unimaginable ways. And I'm not talking about the initial recovery of delivery. (Of course that's exhausting.) I'm talking about months and months of exhaustion.

There were times when sleep evaded me at night, because of stress, shock, grief, etc. So waking up in the mornings was very difficult. And then to have the motivation to get through the daily tasks of life... yeah, that didn't happen.

I'm a Scatterbrain.

Most of the people who I know who have walked through tragedy talk about the effect grieving has on their ability to organize, sequence tasks, and just plain remember simple things they never used to have to think about.

At this point, after 10 months, I feel like I'm slowly climbing out of this pit. Now I can actually plan a meal, or invite friends over for dinner, or keep the appointments and commitments I make (although when it comes down to it, I tend to wish I hadn't made them in the first place.)

This has been hard for me, since I tend to be the organized one in our little family. Well, not so much over the last year. There were many nights early on when I would stare into a full refrigerator for awhile and then decide that there was no food in the house—we'd have to get a pizza.

I Want to Talk About Her.

I'm almost always willing to talk about Felicity. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one. Often I deal with internal questions like, “If I bring up Felicity right now, is that going to make this whole conversation awkward?”

Most people won't bring up a dead child. In his book Stillborn, John DeFrain calls this the “conspiracy of silence.” Sometimes people are uncomfortable doing so; sometimes they can't think of what to say; sometimes they don't want to make the grieving parent cry, etc. So they just don't say anything.

This has been painful for me since we lost Felicity—when people just don't talk about her, especially in situations where it would be pretty natural to. The friends who have initiated toward me on the 22nd of the month, or brought over a random meal or flowers, or the ones who have asked to see her pictures have been so comforting to me.

I Can't Grieve on Command.

I've had moments since losing Felicity where I haven't wanted to grieve. In those moments I just want to be a wife to Abraham, or a mother to Orison, or a friend to my friends.

In those moments if someone approaches me and asks how I'm doing, I'm going to say something like, “Fine,” or maybe even “Good!” I don't want to open up and spill my guts just then.

When people ask the question, “How are you doing?” and I suspect they're asking into my grief, it can put me in a strange position. It can actually put pressure on me to grieve...right now! This is not the person's intent in asking, but it is sometimes the unintended result.

Then again I don't want people to never inquire about how I'm doing after losing my daughter. Sorry this isn't simple.

Please Ask Specific Questions.

Knowing that friends are thinking of my particular situation and storing up real questions to ask when they see me—questions other than “How are you doing?”—has been incredibly helpful.

I have some wonderful friends who keep our milestones in mind and ask questions relating to those. For example, “Wow, it's been nine months—does it feel different than other 22nd's, knowing that now she's been out as long as she was in?”

Those conversations go places. We really get somewhere emotionally. I feel cared for and understood; they feel let in on this part of my life. It's a beautiful symbiosis.

Please Avoid the Flippant Comfort of Hallmark Answers.

It's a wonderful thing to tell someone that you are praying for them or to share a verse from the Bible, but sometimes those words can feel very hollow if you haven't entered the grieving person's particular pain. Empathy is the key.

Though I believe with all my heart in the sovereignty of a loving God, having someone come up to me in my sorrow and simply say, “God is sovereign,” or “God is good,” and then walk away is just not comforting. Comfort that is too packaged and composed feels like reading a Hallmark card.

Remember That There's No Timetable.

Anyone who took a psychology class in college learned about the “stages of grief.” I tend to believe in the stages themselves, but I don't believe there is anything linear about going through them. I find that one day I'm angry, the next I'm accepting, the next I'm depressed, and so on.

My doctor said to me, “This is one of the hardest things that anyone ever deals with in their life, Molly.” That was so validating for me, and let me off the hook when I wasn't feeling “better” at month #3 or #6 or now. I've become convinced that this is a very long road, not one that can be walked in days or months, but years.

Please Persevere.

Loving and losing Felicity has forever changed me. I trust it is for the good, because I believe in Romans 8:28, but it rarely feels good.

I feel like a walking contradiction most of the time, confused, unknown even to myself. Friendships and situations that once felt normal feel different, because I am different.

And if I don't get me, how will my friends? It must be frustratingly difficult to understand me or my grief from the outside. Nevertheless, my friends continue to uphold me, and I'm sure you do the same for your grieving friends, too.

Thank you. It's hard, but I can tell you from this side of sadness that it's worth it.

You can read more of Molly's posts at her blog, The Pipers. Be sure to read her entire series titled "How To Help a Grieving Friend."

Build a bear birth certificate

The other day we went as a family to make a bear for Madilyne that we can use for future family pictures just as a remembrance of her. When we got to the end they gave us a birth certificate for our Madilyne bear. This is something that in the past never caused me much concern, but this time was different because I realized that the certificate actually says a birth certificate.

When did we as a society start taking things so flippantly? I know that it can be cute, but when you can get a "birth" certificate for something that was never alive, but you can't for a baby that was, we run into another area of complete and total apathy to the value of life that God has deemed important since the moment he formed them in the womb.

Psalm 139:13
New International Version (NIV)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.


Take notice, my friends of how the world continues to find ways to desensitize life without even knowing that they have done it, yet Satan is fully aware of the battle he is winning over souls each and every second, and I mean second.

1 Peter 5:8
New International Version (NIV)
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Children are a gift, a blessing, a creation, a miracle no matter how long they live inside or outside the womb.

Christian apathy

I was mentioning that this is too much with all we have been through and he said you mean with George and Bently the miscarriages and the child. HATE the apathy of Christians in regard to the value of the life of babies. This is my new soap box. My babies died. Miscarriage and stillbirth are terms that help people remove themselves from the situation. As Christians we can't expect the unsaved to care for the life if the unborn when we want to distance ourselves from the fact a baby died.

Him not referring to her by name was belittling, rude and insulting to me.

Heartbroken

How much heartbreak can a person take before your heart will never heal?

I feel empty and hopeless. We had hope for yet another precious child to join our family and that was taken away this week with the announcement that there was no heartbeat. This is the second time we have heard this. This time was hard, but not as hard as hearing that madilyne wasn't going to join our family after all on aug 31, but instead went straight to her forever home.

This momma's heart is aching. I don't want to be around people. I just want to hide at home. It is hard to see the pain in others eyes. It is hard to have hugs. It is hard to feel different. I know that their are some that find me selfish. I am okay with that. I won't be here forever, but right now, I need time to figure things out and be okay with Jesus. That is my main priority right now and I am not okay and still have things to work on.

No mommy expects to lose their precious children, but we have seen how uncertain all stages of life are. You never expect this to happen to you, which is naive of us all, but when it does, it is so easy to be devastated and have no idea what to do next or what life is to look like. This is where I am.

I want so desperately to have hope, but I am lacking and need all of you to pray for me as I wrestle hard right now. Please try to understand what you maybe have no way of understanding. Two miscarriages are hard, a stillbirth is harder still, and knowing that the last miscarriage is still in your body and nothing is happening is emotionally trying to a person. Please just pray. We need it so much right now. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is there to interpret our groanings, because that is about all I can muster right now.

Pray too that I can be a good momma to Turner. I am not myself, but don't know who Lynette is anymore. My patience, trust, hope and understanding are so short now and I am far too quick to anger. Please pray where I have been unable to pray. Please hope where my hope is gone.

Thank you

8-9 December 2012

Dearest Jesus, Turner, Madilyne & Jordan,

Well,  I have felt that I have been pregnant, but have been way too afraid to be hopeful.  The night after the memorial tea that I had for Madilyne and Jordan, we went out to get my stuff to play soccer.  I didn't want to risk playing if I was pregnant, so tested that night.  I used a cheap dollar Tree test and was certain there was a very FAINT line, but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I woke up very early in the morning and took another test that would spell it out for me.  Well, it spelled out the word PREGNANT.  I crawled back into bed and told Daddy and he just started to weep as did I.  We are so excited and anxious at the same time.  We will be doing a lot of casting or cares on the Lord during this time.  I know there will be many others praying with us on this journey and we WANT them all.

Turner has been telling us for weeks that we were going to have another baby soon and that there would be two, one of each.  Well, he was right about the soon.  We will see if he is right about the two.

As I had mentioned that the 8th was a memorial to my girls, the 9th was Child loss awareness day.  It was so nice to have hope at a time we are missing and remembering you both.  It is nice to have something exciting to end the year.  If this pregnancy goes well, we will be holding them right after Jordan's 2nd year in heaven and right before Madilyne's 1st year in heaven.  Another hope that we had.

Jesus, thank you for this gift and opportunity.  We plead with you so much that this precious baby can be in our arms, alive and well.  We know that you will be there to hold us up if that isn't our plan, but we are hopeful that you plan matches what we are hoping in.  Hold us up, Jesus.  There will be moments of panic and concern as with all pregnancies.  Help me be a better pregnant mommy this time around.  The hormones are torturous and I am not very nice.  I want to be a better light to my family this time around.

 We love all our children and we are excited to welcome another one into our lives, no matter what the plan will prove to be.

Mommy

8 November 2012

How will you rate?  Please have a heart and help.

Dear Marketplace,

I just wanted to encourage your company to think about baby registries and how you can better help parents.

Let me start by saying I had a registry with you for my daughter.  She was due to arrive 8.31.2012, and where she was born, she was still born and had died just moments before we were to welcome her.

I am sure you are wondering why I write to you.  Well, I have heard that if you have a registry with a store that specifies your due date, that information is shared, sold or something.  I don't know what you do, but I know that you are the only place that I registered and I have been getting all kinds of formula from companies as well as bottles, coupons etc.  I plan to also work with the Medical world on this, but wanted to start with you to see if there is something that you can do to help mitigate this.  I was fine when receiving it, but not all moms will be okay.  It is hard to lose your child and then get those kind of reminders that seem to taunt you.

I would love to work with your company somehow to figure out ways to really reach out to those that have lost a baby and instead of them receiving stuff for baby, maybe they could receive information about candles, custom necklaces, etc to remember their baby by.

please get back with me or have someone get with me that I could talk to about how we can really make a difference to those that have lost a baby.

If you want to see how you can impact people and how it could affect your bottom line (I know you are a company and will probably not contact me if you can't see the impact to you) please reach out to me and let me work with you.  There are more than 600,000 parents impacted a year in just the US alone that have lost a child due to stillbirth, miscarriage and early infant loss.  That is a lot of people that could be frequenting your store or that could choose to steer clear because you seem callous.

Let me help you...I am a mom that wants to make a difference for the sake of my precious girl I lost.

For the love of my Madilyne and my Jordan.

Lynette

My Fault?

http://care.diabetesjournals.org/content/30/Supplement_2/S175.full
http://www.cdc.gov/features/DiabetesPregnancy/
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-effects-of-gestational-diabetes-on-the-baby.htm
http://miscarriage.about.com/od/riskfactors/a/Diabetes-In-Pregnancy-Loss.htm
http://www.kotapress.com/section_articles/childDeath/stillbirth/shouldKnow_stillbirth.htm


Should be able to have a CERTIFICATE, yet no one told me and I can't find how to do it.

http://www.state.co.us/gov_dir/leg_dir/olls/sl2004a/sl_158.htm

31 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

It is 2 months since you left us and it feels like yesterday, yet it also feels so long ago.  Mommy still has a hard time dealing with the fact that you are not here with us.  I have done so much reading and research since you have died, and I'm finding that stillbirth is far to common and not talked about enough. There are 70 parents that experienced a loss of their precious baby through stillbirth today. If I had only known some things that I ,as your mommy, could have done to help protect you better, things might have been different.  Or would they?

I can't go back, I can't change it, but I so wish that I could.  I knew you had reduced movement the last 2 weeks.  Should I have fought with the doctors more to get you out?  I knew you had gotten big, I felt it, should I have made them monitor me in the hospital?  I knew something was not right the night before, should I have gone in that night?  I knew your heartbeat sounded different on Wednesday when we saw Dr. Y, but he said it was fine, should I have argued more?  I wish there was something that God would have led me to do so your life could be with us.  Although, just saying that sounds so selfish.  You are in a wonderful and better place, what mom would wish you back?  I am selfish, I do want you with me.  I am thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus, or this would be the MOST unbearable thing to ever walk through.  It is the worst thing I have ever had to experience to date, but the HOPE helps.  I hope to be able to someday help other parents find Jesus that are experiencing this very same thing and need to have HOPE.  A friend of mine has walked through something similar and he and his wife have found a way to give hope to parents that have lost their babies.  I plan to talk with him soon to see what steps he took to do this and what he could encourage me to do.  Is it too soon?  It might be, but I need to find something to do.  I need to find something we as a family can do.  I need to find something that Turner and I can do together.

As I sit here, I can hardly remember the milestones that babies should be hitting at 2 months. Would you be smiling at us now?  Would you know your name and respond?  How much weight would you have gained?  How many diaper changes would we have in a day?  How often would I have changed your clothes just because I could?  Would you have rubbed a bald spot on the back of your head?  Would your hair be falling out and coming in lighter like Turner's did?  Would you have had dimples in your fat cheeks?  Would your nails grow as fast as your brothers?  Would you already be in 3-6 months clothes?  Would you like to hear stories on the outside like you did on the inside?  Would you respond to my singing and dancing like you did in my tummy?  Would you laugh at your brother?  Would you sleep through the night?

Do you know that I love you?  Does Jesus tell you that I love you so much and wanted to die for you?  My love is imperfect and nothing like what you are getting from Jesus, but I love you so much.  I continue living because I have your brother that I also love oh so much, but it is so hard to figure out how to live without you.  What is our day to look like?  What should we do with your room?  What do I do with all "your" things?  I don't want to create a shrine to you in our home, but I don't want to forget you either.  What is the balance?  When will I know what it is?

There are so many questions, so many things that run through my mind.  I have a hard time sleeping because my head replays the events of August 31st over and over in my mind.  I find myself holding my breathe and then gasping for air when I realize that I haven't taken in oxygen in a while.

How did Job do it?  He had everything taken from him and he was still able to continue his life.

With each day that passes, it is still so real to us.  Is it on other people's mind as much as ours?  Does anyone think of you as much as we do?  Part of me hopes so, I don't want people to forget the miracle that you are.  You are still a miracle.  You have brought a searching and longing to me that I know that God wants to use.

Madilyne, you are a precious and beautiful little girl.  I look into the sky a lot and just wonder what part of heaven you are enjoying and what you are doing.  I look at the clouds and try to find images of anything that can remind me of you.  I ask God to hold you close and whisper in your ear that your momma, daddy, brother, grandma's, papa, aunt's, uncle's, cousin's, friends all love you so.  You were so loved and you were never "here".  You are a miracle of love.  You are a gift, you are a joy to me, even in your absence.

I am sorry if there was anything that I could have done and didn't.  I am sorry if my worry, my health or anything else caused your death.  I didn't mean to.  I wanted only the best for you...and you got it.  It just wasn't what I thought of as an option for best for a newborn little girl.

I promise that I will be okay.  I promise that I will find some way to serve the Lord through this experience.  I promise that your name will be mentioned as long as I live.  I promise that I will never forget you.  I promise that I will give you a voice.  I promise that I will keep looking for what I am to do to help others.  I promise that I will love your brother for you.  I promise I will love your daddy for you.  I PROMISE....my life has changed forever because I knew you in my womb.  I am the only one that truly knew you and I am thankful for that experience.  I am sad that others didn't get that chance, because you were a blessing to me for the 9 months.  You were also a cause of discomfort, but I would do it again.  You were worth it.

I hope that God will allow us to have another child, a Rainbow baby.  I have heard that having a baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby. You would have been our rainbow baby to Jordan had you stayed with us.  We hope to have a bundle of healing and hope show up in our family.  Our rainbow of promise after our storm of loss, but if God says otherwise, I pray he will prepare me and help my heart to heal.  There will always be a hole, you took part of my heart with you to Heaven.

Does it make you sad that I say loss?  You aren't lost.  I know right where you are.  You are lost to my arms right now, but the day we are reunited, I will be hugging you, Jordan and Jesus oh so tight.

I love you from earth to heaven,

Momma

28 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Today is your brother's birthday.  Another hope had to be put to rest today.  Oh how we had hoped you could share in the gift giving to your brother.  We tell him so often that you love him.  He tells you all the time that he loves you. We did tell him that all the gifts were from Daddy, Mommy, Jordan and Madilyne, so he knows the love that you would have had for him.  He loves you so much too.  He got balloons today at Red Robin and got 2 extra to send up to you and Jordan.  We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.  He sent you a blue one and Jordan an orange one.

He carries a picture of you in the car, he has one in his room, he has them all over.  The baby doll we have, he loves to take care of and give kisses to.  He LOVES you so much.  I would have loved to see the relationship that you would have had with him.  I know that it would not have been perfect.  I am not a fool to think it would have been. I am most certain that you would have been a RAT just like your brother.  RAT is a term of endearment, I promise.  We have called Turner, Bently and Georgie all Momma's RATS.  Each of them have their own special things that make them such.  You would have had them too, but I would have loved you despite them, just as I do the boys.

We talked about how you are smiling at Turner on his special 4th birthday.  We told him that you are proud of how kind he is.  We tell him that you are talking to Jesus on his behalf.  Please, do talk to Jesus.  We want Turner to come to a saving knowledge of Him.  We are hoping it will be soon, but we know God has a perfect time.  We are trusting that T will come to know him.  Oh, please, Jesus, let it be so.

Turner, Daddy and Momma love you tons.

Momma <3

26 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Today is 8 weeks from the day you were born into the arms of Jesus.  Yesterday was a good day and today is looking to be okay.  I am so thankful that God holds me so tight on the days that I fear will be hard to cope with.  God gives me strength of the day (or the moment, which is what I have to look to because a day seems too big right now).

I have had a harder week than I have had yet.  I had several days that I just cried and one day I couldn't even get out of my pajamas.  On that day, I went out in the garage and just screamed and wailed.  I didn't want to scare Turner, but I needed to get it out.  I expressed my anger to Jesus.  I am thankful that He has big shoulders, knew that I was going to hit a day like that, that he made emotions for me to be able to express and that He understands. It was a tough day.  I miss you.

All I find I want to do is read, surf for other parents that have experienced a loss like ours, research on stillbirth and infant loss, look for ways to make your life count, and so many other things.  I need balance.  What should it look like?  I can't spend all my time doing just this.  I go from those moments to crazy cleaning time, to just playing with Turner all day. Now if I could just make it where all those things can work into a day, I think I might have a better balance.

Am I being selfish when I can't hardly do much but just sit with T, or want to write about what I am going through, or just read and reflect?  I don't mean to be, but I could see how it could look that way.  I feel lost.

I have told Daddy lately, that I wish that I could have died so you could live.  I have had a chance at life and you didn't.  You and Turner would never have wanted for anything.  You would have had Auntie Amy and Grandma there to love on you in my stead.  Oh to understand God's ways.  Why do I want to understand?  God never promises that I will.  He grants peace that passes all understanding, so that tells me that I may NEVER understand.  I have a lot of peace, but I still wonder.  Am I taking on worry, or just walking through the process?

I have so many questions that run through my head.  Why do I think so much?

Thank you for being my precious baby girl.

I love you from earth to heaven,

Momma

Stillbirth STILL happens

Every single day in the US, 2,000 women lose a baby to pregnancy/infant loss. That’s 700,000 a year, a quarter of every female in this country. So why does no one talk about it?

Get educated on what to be aware of.

Myth vs Fact on Infant Loss

Myth Vs. Truth

One out of every four women will experience the loss of a baby at some point in their lives. That’s right–25%! Pregnancy/infant loss is an issue that while very common, is rarely talked about. Because it’s become such a “hush-hush” and taboo topic, those who experience it are often left to grieve in silence, alone.

It’s time for things to change.

It’s time to open up the conversation, to get the dialogue started. It’s time for survivors (yes, we are all survivors!) to come together, raise our voices, and reach out to the others who are out there, thinking they are alone.

The first step in breaking the silence is often shattering stereotypes. Below are some myths and facts about pregnancy/infant loss:

Myth: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won’t happen to me or someone I know.

Truth:

• 25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy.org).
• Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes).
• Each year, in the US alone, about 20,000 babies die in their first month of life, many after being born prematurely (March of Dimes).
• SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants ages 1 month to 1 year.

Myth: Pregnancy/infant loss is something that happens to older moms, overweight moms, or moms with health issues.

Truth: “Baby loss” does not discriminate. Often, it’s young, perfectly healthy women who experience the loss of a baby. Click here to read real-life stories of loss, and you’ll see the faces of ALL kinds of women–young, old, black, white, thin, obese–pregnancy/infant loss can strike anyone.

Myth: Miscarriages and Stillbirths are usually caused by a lack of prenatal care or something else the mother did during her pregnancy.

Truth:

• Almost 100% of miscarriages could not have been prevented, with the majority being caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
• 25% of Stillbirths are caused by placental problems; 15% are caused by an infection; 2-4% are caused by umbilical cord problems, and 50% have no known cause of death whatsoever. While there are risk factors to be aware of (smoking, for instance), the overwhelming majority of stillbirths are completely out of the mother’s control.

Myth: A woman who has just lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with her life.

Truth: While this may be true for some, many are dying to talk about the child they lost, especially if it was a late-term pregnancy loss or infant loss. The chance to talk freely about their baby(ies), without feeling like they are making everyone uncomfortable, is something many, many women who have lost a baby wish for.

8 August 2012

Doctor's appointment - LONG

Tired for an NST again...dr yeash was in an odd mood...told me the huge risk of stillbirth with pregnancy, thus his desire to do an NST.


date with simon

15 August 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Mommy has started being more and more fearful about your birth.  I have felt anxious to get you out and hopeful you will come on your own.  You seem to be moving less that you had been.  Could it just be that you are out of room?  The doctor doesn't seem to be concerned.  I am.

Tomorrow we meet with the surgeon about scheduling your c-section and I am hoping he will consider the 23rd (38 weeks) or at the latest the 28th (to match the same number as your brother).

I have been waking up every morning and getting out the monitor to hear your heartbeat.  I keep feeling like we are going to get to the very last day and I am going to lose you.  Is it God preparing me for something?  Is it me just being worried?  I know that whatever happens is for the best for all of us, but as a mommy, I just want to protect you and Turner from harm and heartache.  I know that God can do that perfectly where I cannot.

Lord, help me as I care for my family and learn to trust fully in you.  I know you are the giver of life and you have allowed me the blessed opportunity to be pregnant again with a precious little girl.  You know my desire is to have her, love her, care of her and so much more, but you know what is best for us all.  If the fears that I am experiencing are unfounded, please help me.  If the fears that I am having are you preparing my heart for something, please help me.  Help me make sure that I walk a different path than I have been on with Jordan.  I have been so angry that I didn't get to have our little baby and have struggled so as I have watched people be pregnant and have babies.  Help me as Jordan's due date approaches.  Help me in the sadness.  Help me replace it with joy and expectancy in you.

Madilyne, momma loves you no matter what God has in store for us.  You will always be in my heart.

Momma

Words sure can hurt

Have you ever noticed how much words can really tear at your heart?

We have experienced some really painful words during our grief.  I really don't think that people intend to hurt us so, but they hurt just the same.  I have been so thankful that on the days that people have said some really hard things, I have felt strong and okay.  That doesn't mean that my head doesn't replay the words later and cause me some heartache, but overall, I am thankful that God has been able to renew my mind moment by moment as we grieve with hope.

I have found that so many people just want something to blame and be angry with, and where I understand that, the hardest part about people sharing is that for me, it feels like it all comes back to me.  No matter what is said about how she died or what the causes could be, it was me carrying her, it was my body that she died in.

I just want to encourage people to try your best to walk in this situation and know that I too would love to blame myself and find something to be angry at, but there is no healing in that place.  If you are needing to walk out the why and be angry, please try to think of the parents walking this out and feeling it so much more than you, and try to be understanding that what you might want to blame, will NOT help the parents in the situation.  Just really think about what you might want to say to them and pray to ask God make the words sweet to their soul, something they will forget if it will cause them pain, or that they are in a strong enough place that the words will not cut deep.  God is able to do immeasurably more than we think and we have seen it in our 7 weeks of grief and dare I say, peace and joy.

I wanted to put together a list of some things that have been helpful, hurtful and things to encourage you to consider if you ever find yourself helping a friend through this.  No two people are alike, so everyone will walk this out different, but it might help to hear from one who has been there.

Things that have helped us have been:

1. Just saying "I'm sorry for your loss"
2. Give us a hug
3. Let us cry
4. Acknowledge our precious child - it might evoke tears, but just be okay with us crying
5. Sharing how you have been impacted
6. A Memorial to our daughter(s)
7. Sharing your story if you have walked through something similar
8. Books with HOPE
9. remembering that it is more than the mom that is hurting and needing encouragement, hope and support
10. Trinkets to remember our little one (for mom, dad and siblings)
11. Still giving the gift you had intended for our little girl, we WILL cry, but it touches us to know the thoughts you had for her and us.
12. Acknowledging that she was ALIVE and real
13. People that just do what God has laid on their heart without needing our permission to do it
14. Having food brought to us
15. Understanding that we do not always want company
16. Invitations extended to us to come to a home for dinner and company
17. Invitations extended for an outing
18. Being told that we are prayed for
19. Having journals given to us
20. Being given photo albums
21. Praying with us
22. (there is more I am sure)

Things that do not help:

1. Expecting us to be over it already
2. Telling us we can try again
3. Telling us we could have done something different to change the outcome
4. Saying it was due to my medical situations
5. Saying it was her size/weight that caused her demise
6. Expecting us to always answer the phone or want company
7. Expecting us to call when we need "help"

Things to think about if you ever have to face this with a friend:

1. Call her on the phone and listen to her story over and over again
2. Visit her in the home
3. Offer to accompany her to a support group for pregnancy and infant loss
4. Let her grieve in her way unless it is hurtful to others or herself
5. Don’t be afraid to say her child’s name fearing that she may cry
6. Let her and her family withdraw from baby showers, birthday parties and other festive events given by others for a length of time
7. Purchase a Bible or other inspirational books to comfort her
8. Purchase angel mementos or other gifts reminiscent of her baby
9. Purchase scented candles, perfume or other fragrances reminiscent of the season her baby passed
10. Purchase a soothing music cd or songs played at the babies service or songs of hope
11. Don’t give advice because this can be interpreted in a negative way
12. Take her for a walk in the park to breath in nature and photograph the beautiful sky while remembering her sweet child
13. Send a “Thinking of You” card on the baby’s birthday
14. Offer to babysit her other children so she can may time alone to grieve
15. Bring meals for the family
16. Light a candle on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
17. Create a handmade pregnancy and infant loss ribbon for her refrigerator
18. Help her create memorial scrapbook pages for her angel baby
19. Help her create a memory garden at her home or church
20. Write a special poem
21. Help her with the funeral or memorial service arrangements
22. Help her create a shadow box for mementos
23. Purchase a journal for special words to her baby
24. Create care packages for the charities honoring her infant
25. Have a drawing done of their child in the arms of Jesus
26. Have a special candle made, or vase engraved with information about their child that they can use for days to remember
27. Make a birth certificate to recognize their baby was alive

Please know that EVERYONE wants a life that has hope in it, so the overall thing that will help people is being told of the HOPE IN CHRIST.  Never forget to share Christ.

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of  need.

Psalm 34:13
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.

Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 15:4
A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Proverbs 21:23
Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

Madilyne's Album

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The new way to make a photo album: photo books by Shutterfly.

Stillbirth is Still Birth

Birth is defined as - The emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its mother

a : the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent

b : the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb

2

: a state resulting from being born especially at a particular time or place

Born - a : brought forth by or as if by birth

neither of these have a contingency that the baby coming forth is actually alive...there still must be an act of birth in any case.

Should a mother, father, baby still have the right to have a birth certificate for their child?  YES

Was the child alive?  YES

Alive is defined

1.

having life; living;  existing; not dead or lifeless.

2.

living  

3.

in a state of action; in force or operation;

4.

full of energy and spirit; lively: 

5.

having the quality of life; vivid; vibrant:

no where in this definition does it say that being alive MUST be outside the womb...why?  because life doesn't start outside the womb.

To UNDERSTAND the WHY

I have found myself trying to understand WHY all the things in the last year have happened to us.  I am not sure that I will ever really get the big WHY picture, but I also don't know that I need to.

A friend of mine told me the other day, don't put a question mark where God puts a period.  That is such a good thing to remember.  We as Christians need to trust in God's sovereign plan.  That doesn't mean that we have to understand it, but just trust that He has a plan and that plan is perfect. 

I can't say that my mind will stop trying to ask WHY, because it won't.  It does it a lot of the time without me even realizing that I have gone there.  What is important is not so much where I start, but where I end.  My hope is that I will always end on God's faithfulness and trust Him in His plan.  I desire to continue to look to Him more and more and hope that I reflect more of Him back to other people.

Dear Jesus,  Please help us keep our hearts and minds focused on what is TRUE and not what we try to manufacture.  Help us as we deal through the loss of Lena and how are hearts feel broken and our arms feel empty.  Help us as well as we deal with the loss of Jordan, Bently and George as well.  So many precious little people out of our arms have been so devastating.  Help us continue to hope in you and make the desires of our heart match the desires of yours.  AMEN

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.”

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 56:4
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Isaiah 12:2
“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”

Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.