Sunbonnets & Easter Dresses

Dear Madilyne,

This was a week that I had looked forward to for so many years.  I have longed to be a mother to a daughter so I could dress you up in something girly and grand and SPRING.  I never thought this would be the year that you WOULD be dressed so girly and grand and never imagined it would be in heaven that you would be clothed in glorious finery, but alas, you are.  Do I mourn for you still?  Yes my dearest, and I always will.

Today Turner and I saw our grape hyacinths breaking through the ground in our front yard.  We sat there and talked about how spring brings new growth, fresh starts and so much more.  We talked about our hope that this year will provide us with much healing, growth, hope and maybe even an addition to our family.  We still hope to have another and make you a big sister and Turner a big brother.  We do not know that this will ever happen, so we also pray that our desires will match the heart of Christ.

Today on my date with Daddy, I was telling him how I long to buy dresses and such for you, and how I would love to have a friend that has a daughter close to your age so that I could hold a precious girl and maybe be able to spoil them in remembrance of you.  I thought of someone that has so touched my soul and am hoping that I can pursue a relationship with her, her daughter and her family, but if God doesn't see that as the right thing, I know that healing will continue to come as we take each step into a new day.

Mommy's heart will always miss you and be sad that I don't have you, but I know the intensity will subside as I continue to be faithful to walk out this journey with hope and confidence in what God wants to do in and through me.  I just hope that I can be found faithful in this.  There are days that I do not at all show Jesus to others.  This journey is HARD.  It is nothing I would wish on anyone at all, yet I also long to have someone that can understand the journey and be my friend in the midst.

I saw the most beautiful dress today and wanted to get it.  It was a white dress that had beautiful blue butterflies on it.  There was only one there and Turner and I both saw it and thought of you at the same time. Turner knows how much I love butterflies since your death.  They were never anything I thought I would love, and in fact made a statement to a friend that I didn't want to decorate your room with butterflies.  Guess what your room is decorated with?  BUTTERFLIES.  They minister to me in a great way.  They are lovely and they remind me of the transformation of your precious life.  You went from here to glory, transformed from the "worm" to a glorious butterfly.

We had prayed that you would know Jesus at an early age and be spared so much pain.  We never knew that God would answer it so quickly, but we find great peace in knowing you are with your Savior.  We still pray hard and earnestly for Jesus to grab hold of Turner's life.  Plead with Jesus on behalf of your brother.  We want him to walk with Jesus here on earth and minister to those around him and share the message of hope.

I love you so much....from earth to heaven,

Mommy

30 August 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Today momma picked up Turner and Grandma to take Turner to the dentist.  We have been to so many for him and each one is getting more and more expensive in the treatment that they feel he needs.

We do not want to neglect his care, but why is it costing so much money to care for teeth that will fall out.  We just need direction in what is the best thing to do for him.  It is sometimes so hard to be faithful with our money when it feels that everyone is demanding some of it and thus causes us to have nothing left to take care of our bills.  I know this is not anything that you need to worry about as a child, but you are feeling momma's stress and so I am writing about it to help me remember to lay everything at the feet of Jesus.

After talking with the dentist, I was heartbroken again at what they think that Turner needs done and feeling like I have failed him as a parent in caring well for his teeth.  I still do not know the right thing to do, but Daddy and I will talk about what we need to do and after we have you, we can plan the course of action for T.

We left the dentist and went to visit Bonnie and take her some food.  She ended up falling again and breaking her shoulder on the same side as her injured wrist.  She is having such a hard time that we just wanted to go and visit and encourage her.  Logan prays so much for them to come to know Christ, and I want to make sure that I do my part in sharing hope with her.  We had a nice visit and after we were done, we had a nice lunch with grandma.  Turner is going to stay the night again with her, because tomorrow morning we have to go in to the hospital for your c-section.  We are so excited to meet you.

Love you,

Momma

1 September 2012 - Part 1

My dearest, sweet Madilyne,

You are with your Savior and my heart is breaking.  You were born into the arms of Jesus on 31 August 2012 weighing 10 pounds, 6 ounces, measuring 22 inches long with a head that was 14 inches around.  You arrived into the world "sleeping" at 1:41 pm.  The doctor had first told me that you had died at 11 am.  You were scheduled for c-section at 1 pm.  

I felt you kick on our way to the hospital, but by the time we made it there, they hooked us up and tried to find your heartbeat, you had quietly left us.  Why?  We wanted to hear your heartbeat, we were hoping that you were just being a little booger again since you never cooperated with the monitors, but instead, we hear you are gone from us.  Did I cause this from my fears?  Did I cause this from my heath?  Did I cause this because I didn't fight for an earlier delivery?  WHY?  Was your kick your good-bye?  Did you suffer?  

You were so beautiful.  We just sat there looking at you, waiting for you to take a breath.  You were so "perfect" and looked alive, why couldn't you shock the world and just take a breath?  Why couldn't Jesus use you being ALIVE as a way to lead people to Him.  Can I be strong enough to survive this?

Mommy had to hear all on her own that you were dead.  The doctor came in, found what he was looking for and said to mommy, "Here is the aorta and it should be pulsing, here is the heart and it should be pumping, your child died in utero."  I just started SCREAMING, "Jesus, help me, Jesus, NOOOOO."  All the doctor wanted to say was "Yes, Ma'am."  Who says ma'am at such a personal point in life?  Who tells someone their child is dead in such a callous way?  Who tells someone their child is dead without their husband?  Who tells someone their child is dead without wanting to reach out and touch them in some way?

I asked them to cut you out right now and they just told me that I wasn't stable.  I told them that I don't care...save your life.  They wouldn't do anything that I wanted. Jared asked if there was someone that he could call for me, and I asked him to call my mom. I didn't want them to call Daddy because he was driving and I didn't want him to have an accident.  How do you tell a Daddy that his baby girl died? 

They asked me, again, what I wanted them to do, and I told them, "If you are not going to try to save her, get out and leave me alone, please."  At that moment I just started dialing numbers asking people to pray for a miracle, either to save your life, or help us deal with this.  I called Dr. Y, and asked him to come.  He was devastated at the news.  I called your Auntie Amy and she had already heard and was crying with me, I called your Auntie Keli and she couldn't believe what she heard.  I called your Daddy, and he didn't believe me.  I called the church and asked them to pray.  

After I was left alone, I started to beat on my stomach...I wanted to try to make your heart beat.  I didn't want it to end this way.  I was heartbroken, but strangely at peace.  Daddy came in when I was beating on my stomach hoping for life to come back to you.  All I wanted them to do was get you out...save your life.  

Dr. Y did get there and I asked him to please confirm what the first doctor told me.  I told him that I know the news might not be any different, but coming from him, it would feel loving and hopeful.  He searched hard for a heartbeat hoping with me.  He concluded that she had died and was with our Savior.  He at that point, cried with me and held my had and prayed with me.  I will forever love him for the care he showed at that very moment.  He was greiving with us.  He was loving us.

Papa was the first vistor to arrive and I don't know how.  He had the furthest way to come.  Amy was there shortly after followed by Grandma Vickie.  I LOVE my family so and was thankful for their love and support at a time like this.

Grandma Vickie was able to convince the doctors to take me to surgery.  I had been asking to please get you out.  I wanted to hold you, I wanted to see you.  

In the operating room, I had to go alone until I was prepared.  Daddy couldn't be there yet.  Dr. Y was there and supported me and stood up for me.  He knew that I couldn't lay on my back.  He was trying to tell them that.  I heard them say to give me the "I don't care medicine" and I said yes please.  I guess I wasn't supposed to remember anything after that point because of the meds, but I do.  I know that my blood pressure dropped like crazy and they were trying to get me stable.  The delivery was so quiet...you came out and no one said anything.  I had to ask if you were out and to give you to Daddy.  You were BEAUTIFUL and oh so fat.  I just wanted to kiss you and keep you forever.  The nurse that was in there said she is so perfect, I just keep waiting for her to take a breath....we all were.  The doctors were looking around in me to determine what might be the cause.  Trying to figure out if it was the diabetes.  They said she had room even with her size due to so much amniotic fluid, the cord wasn't around her neck or anything, the placenta was completely fine and no signs of deterioration.  From what they saw, there was no reason you died.

We were able to hold you and hug on you.  You coloring at the start was perfect, nothing to indicate you had died, but as the day went on, your lips and skin showed signs you were not with us.  You were still beautiful to all that looked on.  It was such a hard day for people.  I felt bad that people had to experience sadness on a day we were expecting so much celebration.  The angels and Jesus were celebrating you being home with them.  We were able to get there, but it took a little bit to come out of the haze.

Daddy was able to give you a bath.  He dressed you so cute, but he did put your headband on funny.  We have a picture to prove it.  I will put on the picture that Daddy dresses you funny.  :)  Daddy loves you so and spent so much time caring for you.  His heart was sad, but what a good daddy he was to you.  He was trying to take care of you, Mommy and Turner.  I am sad you will never get to experience how much he would have loved you.  You have the perfect lover of your soul, but Daddy would have done such a good job loving you.

Our friend Carrie came and blessed us by taking pictures.  I had asked, when I first heard you had died, to have NILMDTS come and take pictures.  They had said they would be there in just moments from when you were born, but they hadn't come, so by 8 in the evening, we were frantically trying to find someone to get some pictures of our family so we had some.  I knew it would provide us healing.  After Carrie was done, NILMDTS did show up and take some pictures for us as well.  I will forever be thankful to people that gave of themselves that day to care for us.  They put themselves in a very uncomfortable situation to love us.

After all had left, we were taken to our room.  We kept you with us through the night.  We were not ready to let you go yet.  Yesterday was a huge fog and we needed time to deal and get our thoughts together.

Daddy slept with Mommy in the small little bed.  We cried together over our loss, prayed together and just held each other.  God met us in our moment of need and gave us peace.  We actually slept very well.  I would never have expected that, but when you have the peace of God and there are Christians all over praying for us, God ANSWERS in amazing ways.

All the people that I called, plus some, showed up to support and love on us and you. 

Your Uncle Greg came, Uncle Jeff, Brandie, Peyton and Jae'Lynn came, Tamarah and Dylan came, Grandma Mary came,  Grandma Vickie and Papa came, Auntie Amy, Uncle Jason, Logan, Casey, Simon, Riley came, Auntie Keli Came, Michael, Lilly and Jonah come, Carissa came, Joan and Glen came, Pastor Tim came, Kris came....and that was just the first day.  What a hard day it was for us all.  We all had empty arms.  God was holding you instead.

31 January 2013

Dear Madilyne,

Oh my lovely daughter, I miss you so much.  Today is 5 months from the day we had hoped to see you take your first breathe and instead we "ushered" you to the arms of Jesus.  I still hate the end result because I had to walk without you.  I had to put aside my dreams and hopes of and for you.  I have to live everyday watching others with their babies and wondering why.  I have to find the way to take the next step, the next breathe, the next decision without you.

I guess I should change the wording from "have to" to "get to."  Where I don't find this walk a gift in any way, God tells me that it is for good.  Right now does not feel good, but I am trusting that in time I will see the good.  I continue to hope that I see some of it in this life, but I have a feeling that in this life, I will just learn how to take the next step and hopefully help and love on others that lose their precious babies due to miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, foster/adoption loss....any of it.  We have walked it and where I hate it, I just keep hoping that our life will help others somehow.

You would be smiling, laughing, maybe even rolling over now.  I forget the milestones, it has been so long ago.

I have read that the grief gets easier, but never ever goes away.  I have lived that, but our life has not been just about losing you...it has been about losing you, our 2 foster boys, 2 other babies, 2 dogs, 4 fish, a truck, hopes, dreams, relationships, and so much  more...there is just so many other things that come with the grief that it just feels overwhelming and lonely so often.

I want to know people still think of you, but why would they?  They never experienced you and knew you.  I long to hear your name on people's lips.  I know I will cry, but I want to know you are remembered.  I want more than me to remember.

You were special my little girl.

I have thought through this so much and have even wished to go back in time to undue all of this.  Not that you are not worth the grief, because you are, but because it hurts so much.  I feel so lost.  Who am I?  What am I to do now?  Am I to hope for more children?  Is it safe to want more?  can I handle more loss?  How can I make a difference to others?  How can I show that even though I have many questions of God right now, I still LOVE him?

I want to understand God, yet I don't.  I would never want to serve a God that is just like me, but to understand would surely bring comfort, or would it?

I am walking into the next phase without you where you have been gone for more time then I was able to experience your movement...then next phase is you being gone longer than you were here...and then your first Heavenly Birthday.  I just don't know how I am to live this out.  I want to have a birthday party for you every year....but I fear what people will think.  I want to celebrate the life of children that never got to take a breathe....how can I do that and honor your memory too.  I need help trying to figure out how to do this...

I want to have a great birthday party where maybe people share what they do different since you...what you have encouraged them to do that they wouldn't have before...how their life changed since loving you...  Maybe I can even do it where people can bring gifts that we can donate somehow in your memory.  I just don't know, but I don't want to forget you...and having a birthday party helps me know that others won't forget you.  I know I can't force it on them and from things I have read, people have done something like this for their child and no one comes.  That would devastate me too...so what do I do?

I have thought about starting a charity, but just keep thinking maybe instead of starting one, work with one...do donations and such.  I have thought about doing crafts and sewing items with other ladies that we can donate.  HELP ME, Jesus.  I need to do something to love on others that have to walk this.  What do you want me to do?  How can Madilyne's LIFE make a difference?  How can I help save other babies from death?  How can I show those that want to abort a precious child like Lena, that they are real, they are lovely and someone wants to love them.  How can I show them that even if they abort, they will feel depression and sadness deep in them?  They may not want to identify them as alive or have been lead to believe they are just tissue, but having lost 2 at the "tissue" stage, I can tell you that "tissue" is a beautiful living person.  God has formed them very uniquely and they are a small baby...if they were able to see them, you see little eyes, little hands, little feet...they ARE a precious child of God.

I love you...forever and always.  You will be in our hearts and minds as long as we are breathing.

Momma     
   

Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;

Consecrate

1. To declare or set apart as sacred
2. To dedicate solemnly to a service or goal.

My little girl and all other children that die before ever being born (and even those before they understand the decision to choose Christ) are set apart as sacred, they have a GOAL...My Madilyne had/has a goal even in her death.  AMAZING

28 December 2012

Dear Madilyne,

You have been gone almost 4 months now and I still feel so guilty in your death.  I wanted to have you on the 23rd, but I didn't fight the doctor.  When he picked the 31st, it felt wrong to me and still I did nothing.  I am so sorry that I didn't know that I should fight harder.  I wish I could go back and do that for you.

My heart still breaks thinking of you and wishing to hold you and remember what it felt like to have you move and respond to me.  I miss you.

Your sibling is growing inside of me now and I try not to worry, but it is so hard.  I don't want to lose another precious child, but I know that I have no control over that at all.  I long for the days where pregnancy was bliss with small moments of panic.  Now it just feels like I can end up at a place of panic within a moments notice.

I have a cold right now and am so afraid to take anything for fear of jeopardizing this baby, but afraid not too in case my temperature is too high as well.

I miss you.  I want you here.  I want people to remember you.  I know that this is something that will be close to me forever.  I want others to remember too because I don't want to be alone in this, plus you are such a precious girl to me and I want people to remember your life.  If you were here, they would remember you.  It is hard to have Christmas and not have a family ornament with ALL my children on it.  I need to do that for me.  I miss you, Jordan, Bently and George so much.  You are all still my family and part of my heart.

I am moving forward in life, but my life will never be the same.  Sometimes I think that is a good and okay thing, other times I just get hurt and angry.  This is such a hard journey.  It is a lonely journey.

I know this sounds like I am in the depths of despair, and I might be a bit.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  I will make it through this day and many others.  I have God to help me.  I have hope because of Jesus.  The suffering and grief is still so real and deep.

I love you my precious girl.  Hug Jordan for me.  I am so excited to get to see you someday and hope that all will be made clear to me.  This ache is so deep.  I know that I will never understand fully this side of heaven, but I do hope that it is a gift that I will be granted when I see Jesus.  To understand.

Love you forever and always and miss you so  much I hurt.

Momma

11 December 2012

Dear Rainbow,

Tonight I had ladies Bible study with our care group.  When I got there, I felt like I needed to tell them about you since they have been with us through our loss and I so covet people's prayers right now.

I called your daddy to see if he cared and he didn't at all.

The ladies were so excited for us as well as anxious too.  I am so thankful for the people that God has brought to our lives to walk out our journey with us.

You are being prayed for all over the place.

love you
Momma

7 December 2012

Dear Rainbow,

I told your Auntie Keli that we would not be able to go to Lilly's birthday party.  Lilly's party is next August 6, but I knew she would get it.  From what I am figuring, you are due around the 17th, but you will probably end up coming toward the end of July so we make sure we have you in our arms and keep mommy sane.

Auntie Keli is excited and scared.  She was right there when your sister died.  She walked with me through the pregnancy and through her death...she is frightened to lose another special baby, but she isn't going to turn away from me though.  That is a good friend and one I appreciate so much.

Love you
Momma

On our way

Today we went in for some labs and our first ultrasound to see our new baby.  It was one of the most nerve wracking experiences since losing our dear Madilyne.  I ended up with a panic attack last night, which I do not at all understand.  I didn't feel anxious and was actually feeling calm and relaxed laying in bed, but my heart started racing and I had shortness of breath.

I am seeing that this pregnancy will be LONG and in need of much prayer.  I thank you all for the prayers you are already offering up on my behalf.

Since I am not as far along as I thought, it caused me to worry that maybe the baby wasn't growing not that I wasn't further along...so feared another loss.  Our doctor reassured me that from what he is seeing everything looks fine and normal.  The bummer part was that no heartbeat can be detected until around 6 weeks, so I didn't even get that reassurance.  Can I tell you how hard it is to be calm and wait on the Lord.  Since the appointment I have been so sick and have had such a bad back ache.  I know neither of these are abnormal or sign of demise, but my head wants to land there.  I am thankful for my husband today as he has called numerous time and offered up may prayers for me, us and baby.

PLEASE continue to pray for this.  We know that God has a plan, we know that it doesn't mean that this baby will be "ours," but we are HOPING that God's plan is for this one to come home with us and be in our family for many years.  We also hope that it is healthy and that I can stay healthy and fit.  I so want to be walking more and would love a walking partner.  If you are in the area and would love to walk daily or close to it, let me know.  I don't love walking alone, but need to work so hard to fight all the issues that are part of my pregnancy.  I need to do the best for Jesus, this baby, my family and me.

My next appointment is January 7th.  We should be able to see a heartbeat at this point if it is part of God's sovereign plan.

Dear Jesus,
Please keep our eyes fixed on you, the author and finisher of our faith.  We know that death is something you never wanted to see and fear is not something you want your children to suffer.  We know that Jordan and Madilyne are in your loving care and you care for them so much better than we ever could.  You know our hearts desire is to bring this precious baby home with us, but we also know that if this is not your plan, you can prepare our hearts to still be fixed on you.  Help us desire you more than anything else of this world.  Help us raise our son to love you and seek you daily.  Help us let go of fear and anxiety and to trust in you.

I love you and want to serve you and reflect you better each day.  Help me be an example in my life and this pregnancy.  Our children are not ours, but thank you for allowing us precious time with each one.  Thank you for allowing us to be part of your creating a soul.  What a gift to be part of a miracle.  Help this world see that a baby is a MIRACLE from day 1 in the womb and not day 1 out of the womb.

Amen

8-9 December 2012

Dearest Jesus, Turner, Madilyne & Jordan,

Well,  I have felt that I have been pregnant, but have been way too afraid to be hopeful.  The night after the memorial tea that I had for Madilyne and Jordan, we went out to get my stuff to play soccer.  I didn't want to risk playing if I was pregnant, so tested that night.  I used a cheap dollar Tree test and was certain there was a very FAINT line, but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I woke up very early in the morning and took another test that would spell it out for me.  Well, it spelled out the word PREGNANT.  I crawled back into bed and told Daddy and he just started to weep as did I.  We are so excited and anxious at the same time.  We will be doing a lot of casting or cares on the Lord during this time.  I know there will be many others praying with us on this journey and we WANT them all.

Turner has been telling us for weeks that we were going to have another baby soon and that there would be two, one of each.  Well, he was right about the soon.  We will see if he is right about the two.

As I had mentioned that the 8th was a memorial to my girls, the 9th was Child loss awareness day.  It was so nice to have hope at a time we are missing and remembering you both.  It is nice to have something exciting to end the year.  If this pregnancy goes well, we will be holding them right after Jordan's 2nd year in heaven and right before Madilyne's 1st year in heaven.  Another hope that we had.

Jesus, thank you for this gift and opportunity.  We plead with you so much that this precious baby can be in our arms, alive and well.  We know that you will be there to hold us up if that isn't our plan, but we are hopeful that you plan matches what we are hoping in.  Hold us up, Jesus.  There will be moments of panic and concern as with all pregnancies.  Help me be a better pregnant mommy this time around.  The hormones are torturous and I am not very nice.  I want to be a better light to my family this time around.

 We love all our children and we are excited to welcome another one into our lives, no matter what the plan will prove to be.

Mommy

14 December 2012

Dear Madilyne,

When you got to heaven, did you see Jordan?  Is Jordan a boy or a girl?  We don't know but just thought she was a girl.

Did you find Grandma Cookie and Grandma Joan there?  Are they hugging you and taking care of you?  Did you find Grandpa Larson and Grandpa Olson?  Are they telling you lots of stories?

Have you met Jonah?  Turner loves the story of Jonah, mostly because he has a friend Jonah and he loves Nemo.  We read it to him or talk about it pretty much every day.

Have you met Esther and Ruth?  Have you met Paul?  Have you heard the Bible read to you by Jesus or did you just know it when you got there?

What does your house look like?  Do you have so many jewels in your crown?  You made such an impact on people in the life you did live, that Daddy and I are certain you have lots of jewels.

Hug Jordan for us.  Tell her we think about her too.  We haven't forgotten her even though it might seem like it.  We didn't get the pleasure of ever feeling her or seeing her face.

We have missed you for the 15 weeks you have been able to be with Jesus.  We will never forget you.

I love you both from earth to heaven,

Momma

Ornament Swap

Dear Jordan and Madilyne,

I participated in an ornament swap this year on another baby loss site.  I really enjoyed the opportunity to make something for their babies and to also be able to pray for them.

I love how God works out details even.  I connected with both babies for different reasons.  Micah David touched my heart because he shares a name with Turner David.  My heart broke for the mommy that lost her Micah David and I thanked God all the more for my special blessing in Turner.

The other ornament was for a twin.  This little one died on my birthday this year. I will forever think and pray for this mommy when my birthday rolls around, knowing that her heart will break on that day because she isn't holding them in her arms.

I am thankful that both ladies I made ornaments for are Christians.  I pray I will have more opportunities to know them and pray for them.  I know God will use me if I am willing.  I pray that I will be open to moments to be used.

Did you see?

Dear Madilyne,

Did you see your memorial service and how it touched so many?

I have heard over and over again how precious your memorial was and how it has impacted so many lives.  I am thankful that people were able to see Jesus in the midst of heartache.  We wanted people to see the hope that we have.  We want people to find the hope we have.

We have still not heard if anyone has come to a saving knowledge of Jesus as a result of your life, we hope so.  Your story is not over and we will keep praying that people find Jesus because of your life.

We have heard some stories of your impact.  We long to hear more.  We hope to hear more.  It helps us when we hear how people love their kids more, hug them tighter, spend more time together, or anything that has caused them to take a different look at their lives and what Christ has done for them and given them.  The stories help us heal.  Where the stories are not the "reason" you had to die, the help your death hurt less.

my beautiful daughter, I love you and you have touched my life in many ways.  I try to spend more time with people, more time with my family, more time with Turner, less time on the computer, more time with Jesus...just really trying to enjoy the moments that I have and make sure to find the places God is calling me to serve.  Thank you for giving me a new perspective.

I am so excited to get to hold you and hug you and kiss you again.

Love you from earth to heaven,

Momma

Dear Jesus,

Dear Jesus,

I hope that this is something that you do with all the precious little babies that you have with you.  All the mommies and daddies here on earth miss our precious ones so much.  I know the reality is that they are enjoying the wonderful gift of perfect worship of all that you are, but my heart just wants to believe that you will still take them aside, cuddle them, sing to them and tell them of our love for them.  I wanted so much to have had the opportunity to have given my life for them.  I do not understand why my time on earth is still going and they never had the chance to live.  I will still trust you in what I do not understand.

I have been told that if I could see what you see, I would choose what you chose.  Since I am not you, I just have to trust.  It is really a moment by moment journey I find myself on, and I think that is where you want us all to be.  I have always wanted to look so far into the future and try to have things all planned out.  I am learning to enjoy each moment as best I can.  I still fail so often in this area, but I am learning to walk it out so much better since my precious girls have gone home.

Thank you for the opportunity to carry them and to love them.  My love is forever even though carrying them was short.

Can you all do a great big group hug and know it is me hugging all of you.

Your daughter,

Lynette

7 December 2012

Dear Bently,

I saw you tonight for the first time since you have gone to your new and hopefully forever home.  You look so happy and that thrills me to the core.  I still miss you and will forever, but am thankful to see your smile and your dance.  They love you so and are caring for you and showing you Jesus.

I hope to be able to see you again someday, but even if I never get that chance, I will always love you and hope for the day that I can see you in Heaven.  Your new family will show Jesus to you as you grow and I will be praying you find Him and accept Him into your heart.

I love you to the moon and back,

Momma Nette

1 December 2012

Dear Turner,

Momma is so proud of you.  You have always been so good at being willing to get rid of your toys and share them with others, but this time I am so excited how God was able to use your sharing in such a happy way.

The stuffed animal friends that you are sharing will be going to Egypt to an orphanage where little kids don't have their own and have to share.  What a great way to share the love of Jesus by giving them a friend.

Momma is so proud of you.

Love you to infinity and beyond.  Love you to the moon and back.  Love you forever and always.



Momma

30 November 2012

Butterflies remind me of the new life you have with Jesus.
You have been transformed from a caterpillar to a beautiful
butterfly.  Love, Momma

Dear Madilyne,

Today you are 13 weeks/3 months our baby in heaven.  We miss you and think of you all the time in some form or another.  Where we miss you like crazy, please know that we are doing well in moving forward in our life and trying to find purpose in losing you.  You are a precious gift to us and have heightened our desire to share the name of Jesus to others, mostly those that are hurting.

Momma now has a computer again, so will get back to making up pamphlets that can help some and educate others.  I really want to do whatever I can to help save the lives of precious babies like you as well as teach people how they can care for those that have to walk through the loss of a wee one for the rest of their lives.

This is how Momma sees you.  I am
so thankful for the promises of God.
Jesus, Hold our little ones oh so tight.
Tell them we love them so.  Thank you
for allowing us time with them.

The other day, I was actually able to thank God for your death.  That statement is hard to write and even hard to read because it doesn't make sense, and I can't say that I truly understand it.  God tells us to "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  And so we rejoice and give thanks for the time we had with you and for your death knowing that if we saw what God sees, that we would choose what He chose.  We do not see all, so we have days that we struggle and will continue to.  We are still able to walk in hope.

Turner has so much hope for more babies in our home.  I am thankful that even in losing 4 precious kids from our home, that he still has a heart big enough to want more.  He tells us that we will SOON have another baby and that there will be 2, one of each.  We don't care if it is just hope on his part or if God is using him to be prophetic or just offer his parents hope.  We will take any and all of it.

I feel that even though I didn't chose to offer you back to the Lord, you were ALWAYS His, that to be able to move forward, I had to "give" you back from my heart.  He let us enjoy you for the few short months.  I grieve very heavily at times, because I am the only one that really KNEW you.  I knew what you liked, what you didn't.  I felt you.  I enjoyed you.  I miss you.  Romans 5 1-2 tells us, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers,^[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.^[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,^[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."  I have had to renew my mind moment by moment. There are times I wonder "why me?", but at those moments I also have to ask, "why not me?"  

Madison was born this last week and how I had hoped that you could grow up with her.  It is another one of those hopes and dreams that had to be put to rest.  She is so beautiful.  When I saw her picture, it made me think of you.  She is so chunky and beautiful like you were and still are.  The fun thing about you being with Jesus is that you will never grow up to me.  Mommy's love that their kids grow, but at the same time wish they would stay small.  You will forever be my precious baby girl.

I read something this week that I had NEVER thought of before.  It said that Jesus is more grieved over your death than we are.  That was comforting to me.  I had never really thought about it, but it makes sense.  Death is the result of Sin and sin grieves him deeply.  When he created us, He never wanted death an option for us.  He is sad that you had to die, he is sad that we, His children are hurting.  He loves us so much.  He is continuing to help us in moments where are hearts are heavy.

Love you from earth to heaven,

Momma

  Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ 

I Thessalonians 5

¹² We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, ¹³ and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. ¹⁴ And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle,^[c] encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. ¹⁵ See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. ¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ¹⁹ Do not quench the Spirit. ²⁰ Do not despise prophecies, ²¹ but test everything; hold fast what is good. ²² Abstain from every form of evil.

²³ Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

How I became a pirate

11/28/2012

We went to "How I Became a Pirate" today at the Arvada Center.  Grandma took all the Colorado Cousins and the Momma's to have a fun day out.  It was so much fun to see the kids enjoy it so much and just find humor in some of the cute moments of the show.

While I was there, I thought of our Madilyne.  The last time I was at the Arvada Center was with Torrey while I was pregnant with our precious girl.  We had won tickets to Legally Blonde at the Foster banquet in May.  It seemed really long to sit through, but that was just due to how uncomfortable I was.  I ended up sitting on the floor for most of it as it felt better.  I had asked Torrey if he thought people would look at me funny and he told me they probably would, but who cared.

The Arvada Center now holds memories of two of my birthed kids as well as my 4 special nephews.  It will forever be a place that I hold dear.

I love that memories don't have to be sad.  You can find the beauty in all moments.  You might have to look harder, but they are there if you are willing to look.

22 November 2012

This is our "3D picture" of you.  Turner loves this baby doll
so much, and Momma likes to hold it from time to time.

Dear Madilyne,

Today is your first Thanksgiving and I know you are able to rejoice and be thankful perfectly.  We miss you every day and talk about you always.  You are forever part of our family and are loved beyond measure.  Tomorrow you are 12 weeks our baby girl in heaven.  There are so many questions I have about heaven now that you are there.  Do you grow, are you still a baby, did you go to a full size form, have you seen Grandma Larson, Grandpa Larson, Grandpa Olson, Jordan, Joan, Grandma Holt, Grandpa Stoops and so many others?  Have you talked to Jonah?  Turner loves the story of Jonah, partly because his best friends name is Jonah and the other part is he loves the show Nemo.

This is the quilt that Great Grandma
Olson made special for you.

We are going to send some balloons up to you and Jordan today as a family and it will be so much fun.  Turner loves doing it and picked out the balloons he wanted to send to you.

I hope that you get so many hugs and kisses and you know we send them to you all the time.

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the Lord has made;
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Please know that we still rejoice in the Lord in the middle of our sadness.  We are thankful that we loved you so deeply to be this grieved  but we are so thankful as well that Jesus died so that we can forever live with Him and know that you are safe and there rejoicing in the Lord perfectly.

Your brother has been very emphatic lately at how much he misses you, George and Bently, but he goes on to tell me that SOON we will have a baby.  He then continues to tell me that we will have 2, one of each.  I don't know if this little man is being hopeful or prophetic, but it is so fun to see him excited by the prospect and wanting it even though he has faced much loss.  He loves you so much.

Love you from earth to heaven,

Momma


PS - need to change the orientation of the pictures, but have to make your dad his "angeled" eggs.

9 November 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Today Daddy and I went to talk with Dr. Y.  I hadn't been back yet for my follow up because I just hadn't been able to muster the courage to do it.  I had expected that the time with him would not be easy, but knew that we had to do it.

Dr. Y is an amazing man and he loves Jesus just like we do.  He has been truly affected by you and has said he is a changed man as a result.  He also lost his little girl and knows the pain we feel.  He said he has never been affected so deeply as he has been with you.  He has never had a baby die so close to having life outside and he has felt so guilty for not having done something different.  As we sat and talked, he said that he wishes he could have done something different and had thought to do so, but there was no indication that we needed to as you were so healthy and active.  He wanted to have your c-section at 7:30 in the morning and is so upset because you would be here with us.   We reassured him that your purpose here had been fulfilled and that God called you to Him.  We know these words are true, but we all still ache for you and wonder. We know that the whys will never be found here on this earth.  We have a lot of thoughts about what might have happened, but they are thoughts and not facts.

He got mommy's letter and he says it is sitting on his desk and he is trying to figure out what to do with it.  He said he was so touched by it that it brought him to tears.  He said he doesn't want to throw it away, but just isn't sure what to do.  He said he is thinking of putting it with Mary's poem that he wrote.  I told him we would be honored as Mary's poem is part of your memory album as well.

Dr. Y told us that when you were born, he almost shouted out that you were alive.  Everyone thought you were alive.  They just waited and watched, certain that you would take a breath.  They knew you had just left us.

We did talk about future babies and what we can do to be more careful.  Right now, Mommy's sugars have been crazy.  Right after you went to Jesus, they were fine, but for the last month, they are all over and I just don't get it. I am thinking that my body just had enough while you were with us, that it can't adjust to what normal used to be.  Mommy has lost 35 pounds since I had you and am at the lowest I have been for years and often that does it, but it isn't working this time.  So, we are going to see what we can do with that.  Once those get regulated, Dr. Y wants to make sure we do a clotting study to see if there is anything to watch for since a clot is what appears to have taken your life.  It may be that just taking a baby aspirin will be sufficient to help.  Time will tell.  We do not know if God has another beautiful child for us.  We sure do hope that is part of the plan, but we will trust and wait.  We have learned that His ways are not at all our ways.

We also asked that if we have another opportunity if he would work with us to make sure I don't have to carry until 39 weeks.  He said he will fight, but doesn't know that any doctor would have issue with that knowing our situation.  He said that he can't imagine that I would even have to make it past 37 weeks.  That was a huge relief to us as we are concerned.  Where we know that it could be anytime, just knowing that I don't have to suffer the mental anguish of 39 weeks and a day again is helpful.

We do pray for peace and not fear if God allows another pregnancy, and we know that He can help us there.  I am realizing that so many of my sleepless nights are due to me allowing my thoughts not to be taken captive.  Last night I slept well because I prayed to keep fear and guilt far from me.  They are not of the Lord and I don't want to allow Satan any foothold in my thoughts.  I want to remember you well and not be plagued with guilt.  The guilt I want to inflict is really pride.  I do not have more power than God.  I could not have changed what was His will.  I will accept what happened as the best for us and for you and know at the time I need to and am able to understand, I will.  I know that Heaven will have that for me.

We also talked to Dr. Y about adoption and if he ever encounters a mother that just wants to give their baby up for adoption.  He says he has and his sister is one that he was able to help with that.  He pointed to a picture on the wall of a precious little girl that the mother asked Dr. Y to please give her baby to his sister.  He told us he would PROMISE to keep us in mind if such a thing crosses his path.  He works with a pregnancy center and does ultrasounds for moms searching for the best choice for her and her baby.  Again, we will see what God has in store for us.

I also talked to Dr. Y about how I/we would like to care for people that walk through what we are.  I told him that I am trying to make a pamphlet that details out many different things and when I get it all together if he would be willing to use it with any patients that might need it.  I also mentioned my desire to be able to be there for other parents that experience this.  I want to be able to help them with the details they are not ready to face.  He told us he would also love to help us with that.  I am so excited about what God might do in this.

Madilyne, you have touched so many people.  I would love to know if there have been any that have come to know Jesus through you.  I have not yet heard such a story, but your story is truly not over.  We are praying so much that you short life can make a HUGE impact on others.  Mommy is trying to figure out which of the many ideas to start with first.  I want to do something, but the first something that I really need to make sure that I am doing is loving your brother and your daddy.  God will lead us to the right ministry for us that will help us reach out to others, but will not change what our goal has always been, for me to stay home to care for our family.

We love you our precious daughter and know that everyday our hearts are healing and yet we still miss you so.

I love you from earth to heaven.

Mommy

8 November 2012

How will you rate?  Please have a heart and help.

Dear Marketplace,

I just wanted to encourage your company to think about baby registries and how you can better help parents.

Let me start by saying I had a registry with you for my daughter.  She was due to arrive 8.31.2012, and where she was born, she was still born and had died just moments before we were to welcome her.

I am sure you are wondering why I write to you.  Well, I have heard that if you have a registry with a store that specifies your due date, that information is shared, sold or something.  I don't know what you do, but I know that you are the only place that I registered and I have been getting all kinds of formula from companies as well as bottles, coupons etc.  I plan to also work with the Medical world on this, but wanted to start with you to see if there is something that you can do to help mitigate this.  I was fine when receiving it, but not all moms will be okay.  It is hard to lose your child and then get those kind of reminders that seem to taunt you.

I would love to work with your company somehow to figure out ways to really reach out to those that have lost a baby and instead of them receiving stuff for baby, maybe they could receive information about candles, custom necklaces, etc to remember their baby by.

please get back with me or have someone get with me that I could talk to about how we can really make a difference to those that have lost a baby.

If you want to see how you can impact people and how it could affect your bottom line (I know you are a company and will probably not contact me if you can't see the impact to you) please reach out to me and let me work with you.  There are more than 600,000 parents impacted a year in just the US alone that have lost a child due to stillbirth, miscarriage and early infant loss.  That is a lot of people that could be frequenting your store or that could choose to steer clear because you seem callous.

Let me help you...I am a mom that wants to make a difference for the sake of my precious girl I lost.

For the love of my Madilyne and my Jordan.

Lynette