Friday's Grief

Following a Thursday night of Insomnia, I end up dealing a little more heavily with my grief.  I know that it is harder because it is the day that will FOREVER be remembered as the day that I lost my precious Madilyne, but since I also suffer from insomnia, everything is heightened when you are working on lack of sleep.

I am thankful that God is my source of strength and has been so faithful to me to hold me up during my moments of grief.  I am also thankful for the community of friends that God has brought to us to be praying on our behalf.  So many of my prayers these days just sound like the groanings that you read about in scripture.  It has helped me better understand what speaking in tongues could look like.  I have no idea what to pray, and my spirit is so grieved, that all I am able to do is groan and cry.  I am thankful that the Holy Spirit takes it to Jesus on my behalf.  I truly have no idea what to pray for in our next moment.

Romans 8:26-27
the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

What you can do...

A Walk To Remember has provided us a lot of different tools to help us remember and grieve the loss of our Lena here on earth.  They just created this video to help people know what those grieving really need from people.  It is well done and right on target.

To be NORMAL again

Oh to feel like I am normal again.

I know that people mean well when they keep their babies at a distance or when they try to say things that are all true like, "She is in a better place."  I know that the statement is true, but as the momma to Lena, I would still rather have her here with me.  I am thankful that she is with Jesus versus the alternative, but what mother doesn't want their baby in their arms?  I don't think there is one mother that has lost a child that can say they wouldn't want to have the chance to hold them again or watch them grow up.

My arms ache to hold a baby, any baby right now.  I need to remember, I need to feel how soft they are.  It is hard to describe how my arms truly and physically ache for a baby.  I know that none will take the place of my Lena, but being able to hold one would provide so much joy.  I love children, I love babies...I need to feel that I can still nurture a precious little person even if they are not mine.

I just want people to talk to me the same, to even talk about Lena and however she impacted them.  It helps.  It is healing to know she is remembered and loved.  I need to know that she is remembered by more than us.  I need to know that people, no matter how uncomfortable the situation is, will still just be our friends.  You don't have to avoid us or avoid talking about her.  We might cry, but that is okay.  We cry because we loved deeply.  Remember, Jesus wept...there is healing in the tears.  Help us heal.

Romans 8:26

New International Version (NIV)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Home Hurts

By Lynette D.L. Myers
Sept 18, 2012

Oh how the very familiar and comfortable surroundings of home really hurt right now.  There are memories everywhere I look that point to the children that have been and gone from our lives in the last year.

I know that in time our home will be a place of solitude and comfort again, but right now, I just HURT.

I am thankful that the hurt is not a discontent or a lost hope.  The hurt I feel is just putting to rest the hopes of what we had planned and dreamed of. 

I am thankful that we are still able to find joy in our lives because we know the giver of hope.  I could not imagine having to walk this out without knowing the Savior that makes the sorrow full of purpose.  To walk this out without hope and truth makes we weak in the knees and makes me fall to my knees and pray for all those that have to walk such a trial not knowing Him.

Thank you Jesus for walking with us in this storm.  Thank you that you wanted to continue to perfect our faith and make us look more like you.  Thank you for holding our 2 precious babies and loving them perfectly because we could never have done that.  Thank you that we have hope in you and we know that we will get to see our precious babies again because you died for US.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

 

By Nancy Myerholts

Those of us who have traveled a while Along this path called grief, Need to stop and remember that mile The first mile of now relief. It wasn’t the person with answers Who told us the ways to deal, It wasn’t the one who talked and talked That helped us start to heal. Think of the friends who quietly sat And held our hands in theirs, The ones who let us talk and talk And hugged away our tears. We need to always remember That more than the words we speak, It’s the gift of someone who listens That most of us desperately seek.

Nine precious months with you

By Lynette D. L. Myers
September 5, 2012

The day I realized that I was pregnant, I began to plan and dream of you.  I was scared to tell people because I had just lost your sister Jordan and was trying to protect myself from the pain of people knowing and the tears that could come if I lost you too.  I wanted to shout from the roof tops that God’s promise to me that I would have another little baby was coming true.

God had shown me such a pretty picture in the clouds on the day that we had lost Jordan.  It was a picture of God giving us you.  I was positive that meant we had nothing to fear, God had it in control.  That didn’t mean that I didn’t take on fear more than I should.  It is such an easy thing to take back and think you have control over.

My pregnancy with you was never easy.  There was not a day that I did not suffer with some kind of pain.  This was completely new to me as Turner was the easiest pregnancy ever.   I had to continue to remind myself that even though there was great pain, the miracle that was growing inside of me was a blessing from the Lord.  I had to actively choose to see it as such, as the pain was often more than I wanted to bear.

I loved feeling your movements.  You never held still and I LOVED it.  You did like to put yourself in positions that made the movements hard to handle at times, but still, I would take the time to stop place my hand at the place I felt movement because I loved to feel you on the inside and out.

Turner and I would read to you a lot.  Turner liked to talk directly into my belly button as we had made up stories about how you could hear him best if he did that.  Turner loved knowing he was going to be a big brother and had ordered up a little sister that would have orange hair with a little bit of blue and blue eyes.  Turner loved to dream of things for you and what he would do when you came home.  He was excited to play with you and hold you.  He tried to tell you of all his favorite things and was certain you would love him too.  He helped pick out clothes and toys and anything for you.  You have a great brother in him.  We had been teaching him how he was to protect you because he was a boy.  He was going to be in charge of showing you the right things to do because he was the big brother.

Our nine months together had lots of times of rest.  I am not great at slowing down and maybe you knew that already and that is why the pain had to be there.  I was able to really just be a part of all your movements and help Turner share in those quiet and precious times together.  I missed out on lots of outings due to the pain, but looking back now, Turner was not hurt by my missing and daddy got to really develop an even better relationship with him, and I was able to enjoy that time with you.  I am so glad knowing now that I had that.  We had some great times to talk together.  You knew my voice and responded.

You didn’t like me to eat much but fruit and vegetables, so mommy stayed pretty healthy for most of the time.  It wasn’t until the very end that your doctor started to say you were measuring large.  I knew that anyway, you were in my belly and I FELT the weight. 

I so hoped to be able to deliver you naturally, but am thankful now that God put it on my heart to set up a c-section.  I could not have imagined having to go natural knowing what I know now.

As the 9 months was coming to an end, I was so excited to meet you.  I was so excited you were a girl.  I had to clean your closet out twice to do some thinning and you hadn’t even arrived yet.  You were loved by so many and we were thankful for all the clothing you were blessed with by people passing on their love-me-down items.

The day that we were to go to the hospital, I woke up early because the last week you just were not moving as much and always caused me concern.  I got out my Doppler so I could listen to your heart.  You never liked people to listen and would make it so hard to find, but I did find it and it was slower than typical.  Daddy decided we should go in a little early.

On our way to the hospital, Auntie Keli called and prayed with us and while she prayed you kicked me hard in the ribs.  I loved the reassurance and felt that all was fine.  We got there and they set us up and started to hook me up to get your vitals.  The nurse was working hard to find your heartbeat.  We were not worried because you never cooperated once in 9 months in this area.  The nurse told us that he heard you moving, so again no reason for concern.  When he told us he was going to get the doctor because he wasn’t good at using the machine, my heart raced a bit, but figured he said he heard you, no worries.  Daddy had to get something to eat so his blood sugar wouldn’t plummet and while he was gone is when I received the most horrific news a mother could ever expect to hear.  I just started screaming and wailing wanting you back, not believing that for 9 months you were fine and that just minutes ago you kicked me and now they are saying that just 2 hours before I am to hold you, you have no heartbeat.  What in the world?  How could this be true?  This is just a nightmare like so many others I had.

I told them to leave and immediately picked up the phone to call someone…I just started dialing numbers and asking whomever was on the other end to pray for a miracle…either to start your heart or help my heart be ready.  After I could not think of another number to call, I started beating on my stomach hoping that this could suffice for CPR for you, my little one, and that your heart would start.  Alas, it did not and we had to deliver one of the most beautiful and fat little precious angels you could ever imagine laying eyes on.  As we stared at you, we just waited for you to take your first breathe because it just looked like you wanted to…you didn’t look gone…your color was great….the doctors said they could find NO reason you were gone…..This was NOT the miracle that God wanted to perform that day.

We had time of weeping, prayer, laughter, numbness, celebration, and the emotions just kept going.  Our little doll baby was gone and our hopes for you right with it.

We did however experience several miracles that day.  My heart did find peace and my marriage found hope.  You, our little Lena, provided us many gifts in those few hours after your passing.  It is always so great to be able to know that God gives good gifts and when something like this happens, there is still something in it that is a good gift.  What makes it even better is when the evidence of what that gift is comes right on the tail of the tragedy.  We did not have to wait long to start walking out and seeing the goodness that God had in store for us.  While we are heartbroken that it took you, our daughter, not being here and our hopes for you laid to rest, we are thrilled to know that your death was not in vain. 

We are able to rejoice that you will never experience the pain here and you went straight to perfection where now you are even more beautiful and completely content sitting with our Jesus.

We are better able to identify the sacrifice that God gave with sending Jesus.  And while we didn’t willingly sacrifice our daughter, we can understand the pain associated with watching your special child die.

While we still have sadness, we choose to see the Hope that we have in Christ.  Without Him, our lives would feel empty, our daughter’s death would feel so pointless, but we know that God will use your life and our testimony in the middle of our grief to bring Him glory.

We thank Him for the time we did have with you, our precious baby doll Lena and hope to be found faithful to God as we always remember the changes that came because our little girl had to die.

We will love you and miss you - forever and always my baby you’ll be.

Love you to the moon and back,

Momma

 

Moment by Moment

By Torrey R. Myers

“The Bald Daddy”

September 4, 2012

 

There is no way you can know what your short life on this earth (in mama’s belly) has meant and will always mean.  You were and are a “Bright light” to us.  Though you were here for only a brief moment, your precious life was and will always be an exponentially important moment to us, your family.  In the time you were here, Jesus used your precious presence to destroy years of damage and detriment.  Although we knew you really weren’t here, we will always be thankful that you did not ever have to taste the ugliness of a sin-filled world because Jesus ushered you immediately into Glory.

 

We don’t know if you were able to see the beauty and absolute peace as we wrestled hard, agonizing over your passing.  If you were able to see, you truly witnessed what Jesus did in that moment through the miracle of you.  Your life will never go unhonored, without the deepest of meaning.

 

In one precious moment, the gift arose, a chance to show you love.  I was not going to lose this moment, I will bathe my(our) sweet Lena.

 

As I washed you, dried you, dressed you, I knew it only for one moment in time.  This I can do, Thank you Jesus.  This I will do, Hold me Jesus.  Thank you for this gift divine.

 

As we said goodbye to you, sweet Lena, know that it truly was the hardest moment we have ever had to face.  You’re in Heaven with Jesus our Lord and Savior.  Please know that we miss you and long to be united again with you.  Saying goodbye is hard and not something we thought we would ever have to do, but when we see you again in heaven, we will rejoice with you and our king together, forever. 

 

In reality, we did not say goodbye but, “We’ll see you soon! Sweet Lena,” which was truly a bittersweet moment.  And at the moment we see you again in glory, and Jesus’ face we’ll behold, He will turn the bittersweet into something captivatingly wholesome and pure.

 

Your momma loves you so; I love you so and Turner David loves you so.  You are a “bright light” to us and to so many around you.

 

One moment you were here, one moment you were there, Moment by moment, God’s grace was shown…

 

The moment we see you, all things will be perfected.

 

Your life, God’s purpose, none left unaffected.

 

We love you and miss you Madilyne Eleahnah Margaret, our sweet, sweet Lena.

 

 

 

 

 

Our sweet Lena (Maddie)

 

Proud Father of “Lena” our “Bright Light, Bright One”

 

We will honor you, your memory, our Lena “Bright one”

 

Lena “Bright One”

In Christ, Through Christ