Friday, June 27, 2014

Nursing your little brother

I loved nursing you older brother so very much and hated when he weaned himself. I was so excited to experience nursing again with you.

And then it happened, you were gone before I had the chance. My milk still came in and all I could do was dump it down the drain. It was hard that I couldn't donate it or do something helpful with it. 

When we knew Liam was coming, I was once again so excited to nurse. I didn't even consider how hard it could be. 

Then after Liam was born, I was all alone in the hospital in the middle of the night and woke up engorged and emotional. Then I had to wash all the pumping materials and it hit me. I wept all night long. I felt alone, I felt torn between grief and sheer happiness. What new mommy has to do that. I felt like I had to pick between my feelings and doing so betrayed one if my children.

I sat alone from 3am until 10am and just desired someone to sit with me. Everyone had come the day before, so I figured not many would come, and if they did, would they understand or judge?

That day just continued to get harder. I was trying to have a hospital picnic with my family when a social worker came in and interrupted with no apologies or compassion and told me I had to talk to her about my past pregnancies. I told her it was a hard day and I don't want to talk now. She just kept pushing and told me I would not be released until I talked with her. At that point I could no longer be kind and told her I had no desire to talk to her about my children. She would not relent. I finally had to get help from my husband who asked her to leave. (Short and nice version of the story)

I was now right back to before and felt out if control emotionally and angry that someone was so heartless and turned me into a checklist so she could go home.  

I later found out that she called my doctor to inform him that I was incredibly inappropriate and she feared for my children. REALLY?  I was inappropriate?  Aren't most new moms emotional after birth without having 3 babies die between your sunshine and rainbow babies?  How was it she didn't see herself as completely in appropriate?

I did ask a nurse why this happened. I asked if they turned me in. They said my record flagged her but she NEVER should have handled it like that. All the nurse staff was fabulous for the most part and let me talk if I needed to and were filled with compassion. The nurses were so upset about how I was treated that they took it up chain. They did so to help other mothers in similar experiences never have to encounter this. 

We have been contacted by the president about our experience and are trying to walk carefully. We don't want to cause problems for us or the social worker, but we do want to help educate those who have never walked this journey so they can have more compassion and better planning and communication when approaching someone in this journey. 

I still find myself so torn in my emotions. I see both my older kids in Liam. It is hard to look at Liam sleeping. He looks like Madilyne. This can raise fear in me. I pray so much to not be a freak and be calm. I need God and prayer daily. 

I am so thankful for my beautiful 2 boys here on earth. I am grateful for this opportunity and want to be found faithful to complete it well. 

Nursing still continues to be an emotional and physical struggle for me. I am trying because it is what is best for my beautiful Liam. 

Please continue to pray for me if you thinkng it. Liam is helping with the healing, but he will never bring my Madilyne back, and that is just a hard reality to walk everyday. I will never have my girl. 

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