Sunday, March 16, 2014
Memorial items organized?
So, 18 & 1/2 months after you died and I have finally organized and put your memorial items away. I still need to do your scrapbook of sorts, but not sure I can do that alone. Especially not right now. I have really been missing you and struggling with sadness and loneliness. There just seem to be little girls your age all around me. There is joy in seeing their life and seeing the stage you would be, but how my soul aches for you.
I have been hurting so much that you do not have a grave site, headstone, engraving, memorial marker, plaque, nothing. The world discounts your existence because you never "lived". I feel I am minimizing your life because I haven't done something. I want to scream from the mountain tops how real, loved, wanted you were. You existed, you were special, you had a purpose in this life. You are missed every day.
I long to have a little girl to raise. Not to replace you because no one ever will. I want to experience the mother-daughter relationship in hopes of having one like I have with my mother. I can't even come close to being as amazing a mom as mine, but I want the chance to try. I wouldn't trade Turner for anything at all. He is a joy and a blessing to us and many. He is daddy's boy all the way around though. I want a fun relationship like they have. You are a missed. All the lost hopes, dreams, stages.
God is still good even in our losses. That is a hard thing to wrap your head around. To say my daughter died and that is what I am saying is good, fights in my head. The truth is that God still is good even though my daughter died. That wasn't His original plan in creating the world. But, He did make allowances for us to still be with Him despite our choices. My daughter is in heaven with him now because Jesus died to save us. That is good. She is safe, perfect and living with Jesus. My daughter was gorgeous on this earth, but she is perfected in every form of beauty now. No earthly child can compare to her. Sorry moms, your child is cute, but Madilyne wins. :). Humor is good. There is healing in it.
It is time to move another step further in our journey, and so I cleared out the items from your room. Our upcoming special bundle or foster child needs a place. I have been able to unpack and wash some clothes for baby. The room needs to be a place to minister, not tie us to the past. You were never meant to live with us in that room. We need it for life, not to tie us any longer to your death. We need to honor your memory and our Lord by taking steps forward. Some of these take a really long time, but we are trying to be faithful to still take them. This will not ever change how much I love you. We have been able to use your room to minister to others, it is now time to use that room to minster to our family. This will never change our love for you and how much we miss you.
I will love you forever, Madilyne.