Tuesday, February 26, 2013

How do you miss someone you never truly knew?

The question that plagues me daily right now is, "how is it I can miss her so much when I never knew her?" She was just an anticipation of tomorrow, but never truly my child to hold, so why is there so much pain?

My only time "knowing" her is when she was moving inside me. I got to know so little of the personality of my baby. I never got to bathe her, dress her, comb her hair, nurse her.

I got to sing to her, read to her, feed her, snuggle her, walk her...but all of these when she was inside. I am thankful for those moments, but I will not lie and say I don't wish I had more.

I would LOVE to GET to wake up at night to soothe her, would love to see into her eyes even if she had tears running down her fat cheeks. I would love more moments to remember.

I have a hard time getting rid if receipts I have during the time I was pregnant because it shows time I had with her.

It is hard to be understanding when you hear people complaining about their pregnancy or lack if sleep due to a sad infant. I WANT that. It is hard to see my friends with babies that are the age or close to the age of any of my babies. I want to hold them, but don't always want to ask. I feel like a plague. I feel like mommy's try to steer clear because they are afraid. What are you afraid of? Tears? That my misfortune will rub off? Please, please want to approach me. I need a friend. I need to hold a baby. My arms and other areas truly and physically ache at times for the presence of a baby to hold.

HELP ME! I feel like I am sinking into a pit I don't know how to get out of and if I do, I am not sure what to do then. My desire for a baby is so intense it scares me, but I am scared for another one just the same. My mind just spins and hurts.

God, how do I survive this? What do you want me to do? When will the ache lessen? When will I be able to rejoice in birthday parties, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements without tears and fears? I am truly happy for my friends, but my own grief becomes so real as to what I will forever be missing. I feel so selfish, but I don't mean to be.


1 comment:

  1. Lynette, my heart aches for you right now. I don't know what to say or what to offer except my time. We would love to have your family visit us? Or we could come down and visit for a playdate with Turner? Or maybe take you and Torrey out for a grown up date night? It is understandable that you miss her, and also that you are mourning all the "could have beens" and all the broken dreams. The only thing that has helped me through loss has been focusing on other dreams. I am still sad that Adam and I can't have another child and I still have baby mania moments. I think it is partly biological to want to have a baby in your arms and that is hard when it is added to the emotional trauma that you already have to work with. I talk to women that have children and don't want more, but still long for a baby in their arms. I had my friend Carrie here this weekend and we definitely had some tears over the loss of her little girl. Like you, she doesn't just mourn the loss of what was, but the loss of what could have been. Hugs. :(