Thursday, January 31, 2013


Joy or sadness? What will honor Madilyne the best? Is it really even about her or more about me trying to survive?

This path is so frustrating to me. I can be okay and then just fall into a pit. I have hit one of the deepest ones to date and I hate it. My precious girl is worth remembering well, but she is worth every tear I shed for her too.

This time of year is hard all by itself. January 17 i lost elisha. January 19 was bentlys birthday and he isn't with me anymore. February 18 Bently was adopted into his forever home and I am glad he is loved but I miss my boy. March 7 was Jordan's due date, march 20 is when we had to give the boys up.

My head is a whirl in all the losses. I want to be NORMAL. I want to honor God, but I don't feel like I know him anymore. I want to honor my children in heaven, my child with me, my husband, my family and my friends, but what does that look like.

I want people to understand that I truly just feel lost some days, and those tend to be the good days.

How did Job survive the loss of everything? How did Bathsheba survive her babies death? What does God need from me in this? I know my faith can grow as a result. I have read that it can, but my faith is do weak. I have hope if heaven and long for it daily, but hope for a future is hard.

I feel prickly to people and because if that, I understand why people want to stay away, but I need people. I need support, I need love, I need encouragement, I need help. Don't ask me the specifics if what I need because I don't know. I just know I am in need...

To get out of the car and go shopping and know I am not lugging a car seat with me is painful. I want to lug one, I want to be getting no sleep because I am cradling my infant not because I am awake with thoughts that have kept me awake for more than a year of losses. Questions of what I did wrong, what I could have done differently fill every quiet spot in my mind. My body longs for peaceful rest.

My son and husband need me and I am empty. I need to be filled with Christ so desperately, but feel he has turned his back on me. What do you do in those moments. I am pouring my mind into the word constantly, I am exercising to try to care for my body to care for my mind.

How can I be faithful in the journey before me. This is my life. How do I honor Christ first and foremost on this journey? I need help. Please don't turn your back on me. I am sorry for how unpleasant I am. Help me find my way back.

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