Sunday, February 3, 2013

1 September 2012 - Part 1

My dearest, sweet Madilyne,

You are with your Savior and my heart is breaking.  You were born into the arms of Jesus on 31 August 2012 weighing 10 pounds, 6 ounces, measuring 22 inches long with a head that was 14 inches around.  You arrived into the world "sleeping" at 1:41 pm.  The doctor had first told me that you had died at 11 am.  You were scheduled for c-section at 1 pm.  

I felt you kick on our way to the hospital, but by the time we made it there, they hooked us up and tried to find your heartbeat, you had quietly left us.  Why?  We wanted to hear your heartbeat, we were hoping that you were just being a little booger again since you never cooperated with the monitors, but instead, we hear you are gone from us.  Did I cause this from my fears?  Did I cause this from my heath?  Did I cause this because I didn't fight for an earlier delivery?  WHY?  Was your kick your good-bye?  Did you suffer?  

You were so beautiful.  We just sat there looking at you, waiting for you to take a breath.  You were so "perfect" and looked alive, why couldn't you shock the world and just take a breath?  Why couldn't Jesus use you being ALIVE as a way to lead people to Him.  Can I be strong enough to survive this?

Mommy had to hear all on her own that you were dead.  The doctor came in, found what he was looking for and said to mommy, "Here is the aorta and it should be pulsing, here is the heart and it should be pumping, your child died in utero."  I just started SCREAMING, "Jesus, help me, Jesus, NOOOOO."  All the doctor wanted to say was "Yes, Ma'am."  Who says ma'am at such a personal point in life?  Who tells someone their child is dead in such a callous way?  Who tells someone their child is dead without their husband?  Who tells someone their child is dead without wanting to reach out and touch them in some way?

I asked them to cut you out right now and they just told me that I wasn't stable.  I told them that I don't your life.  They wouldn't do anything that I wanted. Jared asked if there was someone that he could call for me, and I asked him to call my mom. I didn't want them to call Daddy because he was driving and I didn't want him to have an accident.  How do you tell a Daddy that his baby girl died? 

They asked me, again, what I wanted them to do, and I told them, "If you are not going to try to save her, get out and leave me alone, please."  At that moment I just started dialing numbers asking people to pray for a miracle, either to save your life, or help us deal with this.  I called Dr. Y, and asked him to come.  He was devastated at the news.  I called your Auntie Amy and she had already heard and was crying with me, I called your Auntie Keli and she couldn't believe what she heard.  I called your Daddy, and he didn't believe me.  I called the church and asked them to pray.  

After I was left alone, I started to beat on my stomach...I wanted to try to make your heart beat.  I didn't want it to end this way.  I was heartbroken, but strangely at peace.  Daddy came in when I was beating on my stomach hoping for life to come back to you.  All I wanted them to do was get you your life.  

Dr. Y did get there and I asked him to please confirm what the first doctor told me.  I told him that I know the news might not be any different, but coming from him, it would feel loving and hopeful.  He searched hard for a heartbeat hoping with me.  He concluded that she had died and was with our Savior.  He at that point, cried with me and held my had and prayed with me.  I will forever love him for the care he showed at that very moment.  He was greiving with us.  He was loving us.

Papa was the first vistor to arrive and I don't know how.  He had the furthest way to come.  Amy was there shortly after followed by Grandma Vickie.  I LOVE my family so and was thankful for their love and support at a time like this.

Grandma Vickie was able to convince the doctors to take me to surgery.  I had been asking to please get you out.  I wanted to hold you, I wanted to see you.  

In the operating room, I had to go alone until I was prepared.  Daddy couldn't be there yet.  Dr. Y was there and supported me and stood up for me.  He knew that I couldn't lay on my back.  He was trying to tell them that.  I heard them say to give me the "I don't care medicine" and I said yes please.  I guess I wasn't supposed to remember anything after that point because of the meds, but I do.  I know that my blood pressure dropped like crazy and they were trying to get me stable.  The delivery was so came out and no one said anything.  I had to ask if you were out and to give you to Daddy.  You were BEAUTIFUL and oh so fat.  I just wanted to kiss you and keep you forever.  The nurse that was in there said she is so perfect, I just keep waiting for her to take a breath....we all were.  The doctors were looking around in me to determine what might be the cause.  Trying to figure out if it was the diabetes.  They said she had room even with her size due to so much amniotic fluid, the cord wasn't around her neck or anything, the placenta was completely fine and no signs of deterioration.  From what they saw, there was no reason you died.

We were able to hold you and hug on you.  You coloring at the start was perfect, nothing to indicate you had died, but as the day went on, your lips and skin showed signs you were not with us.  You were still beautiful to all that looked on.  It was such a hard day for people.  I felt bad that people had to experience sadness on a day we were expecting so much celebration.  The angels and Jesus were celebrating you being home with them.  We were able to get there, but it took a little bit to come out of the haze.

Daddy was able to give you a bath.  He dressed you so cute, but he did put your headband on funny.  We have a picture to prove it.  I will put on the picture that Daddy dresses you funny.  :)  Daddy loves you so and spent so much time caring for you.  His heart was sad, but what a good daddy he was to you.  He was trying to take care of you, Mommy and Turner.  I am sad you will never get to experience how much he would have loved you.  You have the perfect lover of your soul, but Daddy would have done such a good job loving you.

Our friend Carrie came and blessed us by taking pictures.  I had asked, when I first heard you had died, to have NILMDTS come and take pictures.  They had said they would be there in just moments from when you were born, but they hadn't come, so by 8 in the evening, we were frantically trying to find someone to get some pictures of our family so we had some.  I knew it would provide us healing.  After Carrie was done, NILMDTS did show up and take some pictures for us as well.  I will forever be thankful to people that gave of themselves that day to care for us.  They put themselves in a very uncomfortable situation to love us.

After all had left, we were taken to our room.  We kept you with us through the night.  We were not ready to let you go yet.  Yesterday was a huge fog and we needed time to deal and get our thoughts together.

Daddy slept with Mommy in the small little bed.  We cried together over our loss, prayed together and just held each other.  God met us in our moment of need and gave us peace.  We actually slept very well.  I would never have expected that, but when you have the peace of God and there are Christians all over praying for us, God ANSWERS in amazing ways.

All the people that I called, plus some, showed up to support and love on us and you. 

Your Uncle Greg came, Uncle Jeff, Brandie, Peyton and Jae'Lynn came, Tamarah and Dylan came, Grandma Mary came,  Grandma Vickie and Papa came, Auntie Amy, Uncle Jason, Logan, Casey, Simon, Riley came, Auntie Keli Came, Michael, Lilly and Jonah come, Carissa came, Joan and Glen came, Pastor Tim came, Kris came....and that was just the first day.  What a hard day it was for us all.  We all had empty arms.  God was holding you instead.

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