Saturday, January 12, 2013


How much heartbreak can a person take before your heart will never heal?

I feel empty and hopeless. We had hope for yet another precious child to join our family and that was taken away this week with the announcement that there was no heartbeat. This is the second time we have heard this. This time was hard, but not as hard as hearing that madilyne wasn't going to join our family after all on aug 31, but instead went straight to her forever home.

This momma's heart is aching. I don't want to be around people. I just want to hide at home. It is hard to see the pain in others eyes. It is hard to have hugs. It is hard to feel different. I know that their are some that find me selfish. I am okay with that. I won't be here forever, but right now, I need time to figure things out and be okay with Jesus. That is my main priority right now and I am not okay and still have things to work on.

No mommy expects to lose their precious children, but we have seen how uncertain all stages of life are. You never expect this to happen to you, which is naive of us all, but when it does, it is so easy to be devastated and have no idea what to do next or what life is to look like. This is where I am.

I want so desperately to have hope, but I am lacking and need all of you to pray for me as I wrestle hard right now. Please try to understand what you maybe have no way of understanding. Two miscarriages are hard, a stillbirth is harder still, and knowing that the last miscarriage is still in your body and nothing is happening is emotionally trying to a person. Please just pray. We need it so much right now. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is there to interpret our groanings, because that is about all I can muster right now.

Pray too that I can be a good momma to Turner. I am not myself, but don't know who Lynette is anymore. My patience, trust, hope and understanding are so short now and I am far too quick to anger. Please pray where I have been unable to pray. Please hope where my hope is gone.

Thank you

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