Friday, December 28, 2012

28 December 2012

Dear Madilyne,

You have been gone almost 4 months now and I still feel so guilty in your death.  I wanted to have you on the 23rd, but I didn't fight the doctor.  When he picked the 31st, it felt wrong to me and still I did nothing.  I am so sorry that I didn't know that I should fight harder.  I wish I could go back and do that for you.

My heart still breaks thinking of you and wishing to hold you and remember what it felt like to have you move and respond to me.  I miss you.

Your sibling is growing inside of me now and I try not to worry, but it is so hard.  I don't want to lose another precious child, but I know that I have no control over that at all.  I long for the days where pregnancy was bliss with small moments of panic.  Now it just feels like I can end up at a place of panic within a moments notice.

I have a cold right now and am so afraid to take anything for fear of jeopardizing this baby, but afraid not too in case my temperature is too high as well.

I miss you.  I want you here.  I want people to remember you.  I know that this is something that will be close to me forever.  I want others to remember too because I don't want to be alone in this, plus you are such a precious girl to me and I want people to remember your life.  If you were here, they would remember you.  It is hard to have Christmas and not have a family ornament with ALL my children on it.  I need to do that for me.  I miss you, Jordan, Bently and George so much.  You are all still my family and part of my heart.

I am moving forward in life, but my life will never be the same.  Sometimes I think that is a good and okay thing, other times I just get hurt and angry.  This is such a hard journey.  It is a lonely journey.

I know this sounds like I am in the depths of despair, and I might be a bit.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  I will make it through this day and many others.  I have God to help me.  I have hope because of Jesus.  The suffering and grief is still so real and deep.

I love you my precious girl.  Hug Jordan for me.  I am so excited to get to see you someday and hope that all will be made clear to me.  This ache is so deep.  I know that I will never understand fully this side of heaven, but I do hope that it is a gift that I will be granted when I see Jesus.  To understand.

Love you forever and always and miss you so  much I hurt.


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