Thursday, November 1, 2012

31 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

It is 2 months since you left us and it feels like yesterday, yet it also feels so long ago.  Mommy still has a hard time dealing with the fact that you are not here with us.  I have done so much reading and research since you have died, and I'm finding that stillbirth is far to common and not talked about enough. There are 70 parents that experienced a loss of their precious baby through stillbirth today. If I had only known some things that I ,as your mommy, could have done to help protect you better, things might have been different.  Or would they?

I can't go back, I can't change it, but I so wish that I could.  I knew you had reduced movement the last 2 weeks.  Should I have fought with the doctors more to get you out?  I knew you had gotten big, I felt it, should I have made them monitor me in the hospital?  I knew something was not right the night before, should I have gone in that night?  I knew your heartbeat sounded different on Wednesday when we saw Dr. Y, but he said it was fine, should I have argued more?  I wish there was something that God would have led me to do so your life could be with us.  Although, just saying that sounds so selfish.  You are in a wonderful and better place, what mom would wish you back?  I am selfish, I do want you with me.  I am thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus, or this would be the MOST unbearable thing to ever walk through.  It is the worst thing I have ever had to experience to date, but the HOPE helps.  I hope to be able to someday help other parents find Jesus that are experiencing this very same thing and need to have HOPE.  A friend of mine has walked through something similar and he and his wife have found a way to give hope to parents that have lost their babies.  I plan to talk with him soon to see what steps he took to do this and what he could encourage me to do.  Is it too soon?  It might be, but I need to find something to do.  I need to find something we as a family can do.  I need to find something that Turner and I can do together.

As I sit here, I can hardly remember the milestones that babies should be hitting at 2 months. Would you be smiling at us now?  Would you know your name and respond?  How much weight would you have gained?  How many diaper changes would we have in a day?  How often would I have changed your clothes just because I could?  Would you have rubbed a bald spot on the back of your head?  Would your hair be falling out and coming in lighter like Turner's did?  Would you have had dimples in your fat cheeks?  Would your nails grow as fast as your brothers?  Would you already be in 3-6 months clothes?  Would you like to hear stories on the outside like you did on the inside?  Would you respond to my singing and dancing like you did in my tummy?  Would you laugh at your brother?  Would you sleep through the night?

Do you know that I love you?  Does Jesus tell you that I love you so much and wanted to die for you?  My love is imperfect and nothing like what you are getting from Jesus, but I love you so much.  I continue living because I have your brother that I also love oh so much, but it is so hard to figure out how to live without you.  What is our day to look like?  What should we do with your room?  What do I do with all "your" things?  I don't want to create a shrine to you in our home, but I don't want to forget you either.  What is the balance?  When will I know what it is?

There are so many questions, so many things that run through my mind.  I have a hard time sleeping because my head replays the events of August 31st over and over in my mind.  I find myself holding my breathe and then gasping for air when I realize that I haven't taken in oxygen in a while.

How did Job do it?  He had everything taken from him and he was still able to continue his life.

With each day that passes, it is still so real to us.  Is it on other people's mind as much as ours?  Does anyone think of you as much as we do?  Part of me hopes so, I don't want people to forget the miracle that you are.  You are still a miracle.  You have brought a searching and longing to me that I know that God wants to use.

Madilyne, you are a precious and beautiful little girl.  I look into the sky a lot and just wonder what part of heaven you are enjoying and what you are doing.  I look at the clouds and try to find images of anything that can remind me of you.  I ask God to hold you close and whisper in your ear that your momma, daddy, brother, grandma's, papa, aunt's, uncle's, cousin's, friends all love you so.  You were so loved and you were never "here".  You are a miracle of love.  You are a gift, you are a joy to me, even in your absence.

I am sorry if there was anything that I could have done and didn't.  I am sorry if my worry, my health or anything else caused your death.  I didn't mean to.  I wanted only the best for you...and you got it.  It just wasn't what I thought of as an option for best for a newborn little girl.

I promise that I will be okay.  I promise that I will find some way to serve the Lord through this experience.  I promise that your name will be mentioned as long as I live.  I promise that I will never forget you.  I promise that I will give you a voice.  I promise that I will keep looking for what I am to do to help others.  I promise that I will love your brother for you.  I promise I will love your daddy for you.  I life has changed forever because I knew you in my womb.  I am the only one that truly knew you and I am thankful for that experience.  I am sad that others didn't get that chance, because you were a blessing to me for the 9 months.  You were also a cause of discomfort, but I would do it again.  You were worth it.

I hope that God will allow us to have another child, a Rainbow baby.  I have heard that having a baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby. You would have been our rainbow baby to Jordan had you stayed with us.  We hope to have a bundle of healing and hope show up in our family.  Our rainbow of promise after our storm of loss, but if God says otherwise, I pray he will prepare me and help my heart to heal.  There will always be a hole, you took part of my heart with you to Heaven.

Does it make you sad that I say loss?  You aren't lost.  I know right where you are.  You are lost to my arms right now, but the day we are reunited, I will be hugging you, Jordan and Jesus oh so tight.

I love you from earth to heaven,


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