Tuesday, October 30, 2012

23 January 2012

Dear Baby,

Today the boys GAL came for her second visit in the whole time the boys have lived with us.  She is not a friendly sort and just pushes the boys away.  It makes my heart hurt so bad to see how distant she is to them both in checking in on them and that she won't even show them affection when she is here.  How can she provide legal representation when she doesn't even know them.

It was a hard visit because she just wanted to force me to give her a decision on where we were going to go with the boys.  We want them so much, but with me being pregnant for the second time since having them, and knowing how hard my pregnancy with you has been already, we just don't know the right thing is to do. We love them so much. Bently has been my baby, and giving him up doesn't feel right at all.  Georgie has some struggles that has made it hard to parent him and Turner together, but the likelihood of him being adopted is slim as his daddy is working so hard to get him back.  Because we don't feel that adopting Georgie is the best idea for us, they will not let us keep Bently at all.  We have to be willing to keep them both until something has been decided on Georgie.

The GAL just kept pressing me for a decision and had me in tears.  I told her we were pregnant again and that is has been a hard one.  I told him that we would love to adopt Bently, but think that Georgie needs to be with his dad.  She told us we couldn't have just him and went on to tell me what a terrible mom I am that I would give up my kids.  She also told me that she can't believe how selfish we are to say we wanted to adopt them and then to let them go.  You probably felt how torn I was since you are a part of me.  I told her that we love them more than she understands in any way.  We have given our life to them for more than 9 months.  We have turned our world upside down to try to help them and their family.  I told her she doesn't apparently understand love at all if she could sit in my home and tell me that I don't love the two beautiful boys in front of her that she won't even let touch her.  I told her that she might have a hard time understanding what love looks like.

I am not ready to let the boys go, but this might be one more thing that God is asking us to be willing to do.  We have prayed so much about it and where we want them, we know that Georgie should be with his dad and where we want Bently, we don't have a choice because the system gets to win.  We just hope that God will bring us to their mind and that they will know that we did love them.  We hope that they saw the love of Christ in our home, and that they will come to know Him.

For our family, we had to make a hard decision.  For you and my health, we had to choose us.  We don't know when they will move them, but we are certain they will.  So, on top of still mourning for Jordan, my heart is mourning now for Georgie and Bently and praying and pleading for God to find them a good home, to protect them, to lead them to HIM.

We love you precious one.  God asks hard things of those that follow after Him, but he promises to be there with us.

Love you always,


2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a] If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

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