Thursday's Insomnia

Thursdays have become sleepless nights for me.  I find myself constantly thinking of the night of the 30th of August when I wasn't feeling well and something just felt off.  I end up replaying in my head the events of that night and what I could have/should have done different.  That ends up leading right into the events of August 31st and things I could have done different there, and what all happened and how it affected all those involved.

I try to take that time to pray, pray, pray.  Lots of people come to mind, some that I have never met.  My heart is heavy for all those that have to walk out losing a child at any stage.  The agony of knowing that you continue to live, when these little people can't.  It seems unfair, yet in reality, these little precious souls are not in agony, they get to have a wonderful existence with Christ.  It isn't unfair at all, it is GRACE.

My precious little girl was taken from me and I may never in this lifetime know why. I have chosen to offer her up to Christ, rather than hold this over His head and walk in anger.  It isn't that I haven't been angry and even with Him.  I have, and I am sure I will again.  The great thing is that he made my emotions, He knew I would have them and He has shoulders that are big enough to take it and carry me through it.  He knows that I desire to still love and trust Him.  So many days are completely fine, no tears, no anger...but I always think of her.  I am sad that I don't have her.  I am thankful for the time I did get with her.

I have read so many books and have found tons of blogs and posts from others that have experienced this as well.  My heart breaks to see how common this is and how little I knew of this before.  Not that I want to scare future mom's, but I do want to find a way to educate them on things to watch for and when to push and fight.

Please keep praying with me as I try to figure out how God wants to use me in all of this.  I have so many ideas that I can do, but just don't know what is the right thing to do.  I know that I can start with one thing and change to something else.  I really just don't know where to start.


II Corinthians 6: 1-13

 Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. ² For he says,

“In a favorable time I listened to you,
    and in a day of salvation I have helped you.”

Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. ³ We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, ⁴ but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, ⁵ beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; ⁶ by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; ⁷ by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; ⁸ through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; ⁹ as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; ¹⁰ as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

¹¹ We have spoken freely to you,^[a] Corinthians; our heart is wide open. ¹² You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. ¹³ In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.