The whole world continues to move around me, but here I am stuck, suspended in disbelief.
The words “…could not find a heartbeat.” echo still in my head.
Take mine! I don’t need them, take mine, TAKE MINE! If they were but mine to give, they would surely be hers now.
It is sinking in. There is the intellectual knowledge that one cannot dispute the cold sterile facts. No negotiation, no argument, no bargaining.
Certainly in the history of man many have grappled with this dark reality. Yet, in all that time our language lacks even an approximate way of articulating the sense of these things. I choke on the words that do reach my lips knowing that they are horribly inadequate.
The only expressions I can give now are the tears and moans that convulse my whole body. They come without my consent, without notice. It hurts my head, it hurts my eyes, it hurts to the tips of my fingers. Sleep eludes me. It is as if something is sitting upon my chest, when I lie down and when I stand.
I asked a friend, “Why does it hurt me so much, this was not my child?”
“Kelly, she is your flesh and blood.” comes the reply. Indeed it is so. She was. She is. How else can I understand how a perfectly formed, beautiful little girl on whom I will never lay eyes, and never touch can move me so?
I do not fully understand how I could have committed this piece of my heart to this little one I have never seen and never knew. It was the great hope of future joy that is robbed.
But, I am driven to the Psalms. Those that were once unclear to me have come into sharp focus. The depth of expression, the anger, the pain, the wrangling, is comforting. If death did not move us so, it would make the very foundations of our faith meaningless. We are not alone in our suffering.
I am comforted with the knowledge that you are supported by your family, your friends, and your spiritual brothers and sisters. This thing is good. It is as it should be.
In the days and years ahead we will still feel the impact. It is dark at this moment, but surely we can comfort ourselves knowing that it is but a moment in a greater reality.
I hate the distance between us. It reviles me. Oh, to be there with all of you. I am so sorry.
Hold Turner close. Take care my dear Lynette. Take care my dear Torrey.
Rest sweetly and peacefully my dearest Madilyne.
With all my love,