Sunday, August 18, 2013

The bay

Tonight was a nice time with Turner playing at the bay, but it was heart wrenching too. 

The bay is one of the last fun family moments we had with Madilyne. A year ago at this time I was anticipating the arrival of my precious daughter. I never imagined having the outcome I did, but it was at this time I started to fret and fear we wouldn't bring her home. 

I saw a few pregnant ladies that looked about how I did last year and I just fell apart. 

Church was hard today too because it just feels that everyone us pregnant and where I truly am excited for them, I want to be pregnant or at the very least want to adopt a baby. I don't want our family to be done, but I am not sure that people can understand that longing fully. So many tell us to be content. 

I have been so okay since our vacation to Wisconsin in July. Why do these emotions and hard moments come out of no where. 

Madilyne, you are worth every moment I miss you and every tear I shed. I am happy you only know heaven, but sad I didn't get to know you at all. 

Turner told me today he is sad you are gone but he isn't crying because you are with Jesus so that makes him happy. He said he isn't ready to go see you yet though. You would have loved him. He wants a little person to take care if and love. He would be a great big brother. I feel I have robbed him of that opportunity over and over again. 

We love you forever and always. 

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