Sunbonnets & Easter Dresses

Dear Madilyne,

This was a week that I had looked forward to for so many years.  I have longed to be a mother to a daughter so I could dress you up in something girly and grand and SPRING.  I never thought this would be the year that you WOULD be dressed so girly and grand and never imagined it would be in heaven that you would be clothed in glorious finery, but alas, you are.  Do I mourn for you still?  Yes my dearest, and I always will.

Today Turner and I saw our grape hyacinths breaking through the ground in our front yard.  We sat there and talked about how spring brings new growth, fresh starts and so much more.  We talked about our hope that this year will provide us with much healing, growth, hope and maybe even an addition to our family.  We still hope to have another and make you a big sister and Turner a big brother.  We do not know that this will ever happen, so we also pray that our desires will match the heart of Christ.

Today on my date with Daddy, I was telling him how I long to buy dresses and such for you, and how I would love to have a friend that has a daughter close to your age so that I could hold a precious girl and maybe be able to spoil them in remembrance of you.  I thought of someone that has so touched my soul and am hoping that I can pursue a relationship with her, her daughter and her family, but if God doesn't see that as the right thing, I know that healing will continue to come as we take each step into a new day.

Mommy's heart will always miss you and be sad that I don't have you, but I know the intensity will subside as I continue to be faithful to walk out this journey with hope and confidence in what God wants to do in and through me.  I just hope that I can be found faithful in this.  There are days that I do not at all show Jesus to others.  This journey is HARD.  It is nothing I would wish on anyone at all, yet I also long to have someone that can understand the journey and be my friend in the midst.

I saw the most beautiful dress today and wanted to get it.  It was a white dress that had beautiful blue butterflies on it.  There was only one there and Turner and I both saw it and thought of you at the same time. Turner knows how much I love butterflies since your death.  They were never anything I thought I would love, and in fact made a statement to a friend that I didn't want to decorate your room with butterflies.  Guess what your room is decorated with?  BUTTERFLIES.  They minister to me in a great way.  They are lovely and they remind me of the transformation of your precious life.  You went from here to glory, transformed from the "worm" to a glorious butterfly.

We had prayed that you would know Jesus at an early age and be spared so much pain.  We never knew that God would answer it so quickly, but we find great peace in knowing you are with your Savior.  We still pray hard and earnestly for Jesus to grab hold of Turner's life.  Plead with Jesus on behalf of your brother.  We want him to walk with Jesus here on earth and minister to those around him and share the message of hope.

I love you so much....from earth to heaven,

Mommy