Dear Madilyne,
Today Daddy and I went to talk with Dr. Y. I hadn't been back yet for my follow up because I just hadn't been able to muster the courage to do it. I had expected that the time with him would not be easy, but knew that we had to do it.
Dr. Y is an amazing man and he loves Jesus just like we do. He has been truly affected by you and has said he is a changed man as a result. He also lost his little girl and knows the pain we feel. He said he has never been affected so deeply as he has been with you. He has never had a baby die so close to having life outside and he has felt so guilty for not having done something different. As we sat and talked, he said that he wishes he could have done something different and had thought to do so, but there was no indication that we needed to as you were so healthy and active. He wanted to have your c-section at 7:30 in the morning and is so upset because you would be here with us. We reassured him that your purpose here had been fulfilled and that God called you to Him. We know these words are true, but we all still ache for you and wonder. We know that the whys will never be found here on this earth. We have a lot of thoughts about what might have happened, but they are thoughts and not facts.
He got mommy's letter and he says it is sitting on his desk and he is trying to figure out what to do with it. He said he was so touched by it that it brought him to tears. He said he doesn't want to throw it away, but just isn't sure what to do. He said he is thinking of putting it with Mary's poem that he wrote. I told him we would be honored as Mary's poem is part of your memory album as well.
Dr. Y told us that when you were born, he almost shouted out that you were alive. Everyone thought you were alive. They just waited and watched, certain that you would take a breath. They knew you had just left us.
We did talk about future babies and what we can do to be more careful. Right now, Mommy's sugars have been crazy. Right after you went to Jesus, they were fine, but for the last month, they are all over and I just don't get it. I am thinking that my body just had enough while you were with us, that it can't adjust to what normal used to be. Mommy has lost 35 pounds since I had you and am at the lowest I have been for years and often that does it, but it isn't working this time. So, we are going to see what we can do with that. Once those get regulated, Dr. Y wants to make sure we do a clotting study to see if there is anything to watch for since a clot is what appears to have taken your life. It may be that just taking a baby aspirin will be sufficient to help. Time will tell. We do not know if God has another beautiful child for us. We sure do hope that is part of the plan, but we will trust and wait. We have learned that His ways are not at all our ways.
We also asked that if we have another opportunity if he would work with us to make sure I don't have to carry until 39 weeks. He said he will fight, but doesn't know that any doctor would have issue with that knowing our situation. He said that he can't imagine that I would even have to make it past 37 weeks. That was a huge relief to us as we are concerned. Where we know that it could be anytime, just knowing that I don't have to suffer the mental anguish of 39 weeks and a day again is helpful.
We do pray for peace and not fear if God allows another pregnancy, and we know that He can help us there. I am realizing that so many of my sleepless nights are due to me allowing my thoughts not to be taken captive. Last night I slept well because I prayed to keep fear and guilt far from me. They are not of the Lord and I don't want to allow Satan any foothold in my thoughts. I want to remember you well and not be plagued with guilt. The guilt I want to inflict is really pride. I do not have more power than God. I could not have changed what was His will. I will accept what happened as the best for us and for you and know at the time I need to and am able to understand, I will. I know that Heaven will have that for me.
We also talked to Dr. Y about adoption and if he ever encounters a mother that just wants to give their baby up for adoption. He says he has and his sister is one that he was able to help with that. He pointed to a picture on the wall of a precious little girl that the mother asked Dr. Y to please give her baby to his sister. He told us he would PROMISE to keep us in mind if such a thing crosses his path. He works with a pregnancy center and does ultrasounds for moms searching for the best choice for her and her baby. Again, we will see what God has in store for us.
I also talked to Dr. Y about how I/we would like to care for people that walk through what we are. I told him that I am trying to make a pamphlet that details out many different things and when I get it all together if he would be willing to use it with any patients that might need it. I also mentioned my desire to be able to be there for other parents that experience this. I want to be able to help them with the details they are not ready to face. He told us he would also love to help us with that. I am so excited about what God might do in this.
Madilyne, you have touched so many people. I would love to know if there have been any that have come to know Jesus through you. I have not yet heard such a story, but your story is truly not over. We are praying so much that you short life can make a HUGE impact on others. Mommy is trying to figure out which of the many ideas to start with first. I want to do something, but the first something that I really need to make sure that I am doing is loving your brother and your daddy. God will lead us to the right ministry for us that will help us reach out to others, but will not change what our goal has always been, for me to stay home to care for our family.
We love you our precious daughter and know that everyday our hearts are healing and yet we still miss you so.
I love you from earth to heaven.
Mommy
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