Monday, October 22, 2012

Tears Heal

The thing that is most frustrating to me is never knowing when the tears might come.  I have never been someone that loves to cry in front of other people, and it seems that it happens so much right now.  If it has to happen, can't it happen with people that I know well or even in the privacy of my own home?

I have been trying to plan my life around moments that I think might cause the tears to come, but how do you really do that?  I am never certain what things might set the tears falling from my eyes.

Today I was at Khols, yet again, and was seeing all the cute Christmas dresses.  I pretend that it isn't hard to see them, but inside I am dying.  WHY?  I didn't cry at that moment, but my heart was falling apart.

As we were heading out, we ran into someone that I know, and they tried to provide encouragement to me, but my heart wasn't in the conversation, and I didn't want encouragement.  I want my baby in my arms.  The hugs are great, but I want Madilyne's breathe on my face more.

Tonight was to be a celebration of my sister and our friend Melissa, and I just wanted to cry.  I hate that I can't be in the moment.  I feel so selfish when every part of me just wants to hide.

I am home now and just letting myself cry out with all kinds of emotions.  In the end I will feel spent of emotions and will be able to rest.  The thing that causes me confusion as well is, where do the tears come from?  Are they from grief, are they from post partum stuff, are they just hormonal...where do they come from?  Why don't they give me warning?  Why can't I control them?

I know that tears are a gift that God has given to us, so I want to be faithful to cry the best that I should.  I don't want to pretend that I am okay if I am not.  Some moments I just am NOT.

Psalm 6:6
I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.

Psalm 56:8
You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

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