It is not easy to be a testimony for Christ all the time, and this is one of those times. My head has a hard time resolving my desire for my daughter and my desire to walk this out trusting God with the outcome and the peace and hope we need to heal and hopefully be able to use this as a way to minister to others.
I don't think it is uncommon to want to have answers to the questions and to even plague yourself with "what if" questions. I have done pretty good in these areas until this week. I have been able to get to the end of the questions and realize that believing in the sovereignty of God is the answer to the questions. This week my head and my heart just want answers. I LOVE my little Madilyne so much and just hurt that she isn't here and what could I have done differently to have saved her life. I feel that I failed to provide her the protection that a mother should provide to her child.
I know all the truths around how my head and heart are thinking, but the thoughts still come and my heart still cries out in pain.
Where I had hope for another opportunity to grow our family, I am SCARED. With my age and health things, there are risks.
Do I have the faith to be able to do another high risk pregnancy? If it ends in loss, will I still be okay with God? God, what are you calling us to do? Help me in my hurt, help me in my unbelief, help me in my wavering faith, help me with my thoughts, help me with my hope, HELP ME.
Psalm 17: 6-7
6 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
7 Wondrously show[a] your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Psalm 27: 7-9
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”[e]
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
2 Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
4 Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
6 I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
I have fled to you for refuge.[a]
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
12 And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.