26 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Today is 8 weeks from the day you were born into the arms of Jesus.  Yesterday was a good day and today is looking to be okay.  I am so thankful that God holds me so tight on the days that I fear will be hard to cope with.  God gives me strength of the day (or the moment, which is what I have to look to because a day seems too big right now).

I have had a harder week than I have had yet.  I had several days that I just cried and one day I couldn't even get out of my pajamas.  On that day, I went out in the garage and just screamed and wailed.  I didn't want to scare Turner, but I needed to get it out.  I expressed my anger to Jesus.  I am thankful that He has big shoulders, knew that I was going to hit a day like that, that he made emotions for me to be able to express and that He understands. It was a tough day.  I miss you.

All I find I want to do is read, surf for other parents that have experienced a loss like ours, research on stillbirth and infant loss, look for ways to make your life count, and so many other things.  I need balance.  What should it look like?  I can't spend all my time doing just this.  I go from those moments to crazy cleaning time, to just playing with Turner all day. Now if I could just make it where all those things can work into a day, I think I might have a better balance.

Am I being selfish when I can't hardly do much but just sit with T, or want to write about what I am going through, or just read and reflect?  I don't mean to be, but I could see how it could look that way.  I feel lost.

I have told Daddy lately, that I wish that I could have died so you could live.  I have had a chance at life and you didn't.  You and Turner would never have wanted for anything.  You would have had Auntie Amy and Grandma there to love on you in my stead.  Oh to understand God's ways.  Why do I want to understand?  God never promises that I will.  He grants peace that passes all understanding, so that tells me that I may NEVER understand.  I have a lot of peace, but I still wonder.  Am I taking on worry, or just walking through the process?

I have so many questions that run through my head.  Why do I think so much?

Thank you for being my precious baby girl.

I love you from earth to heaven,

Momma