Thursday, October 18, 2012

15 August 2012

Dear Madilyne,

Mommy has started being more and more fearful about your birth.  I have felt anxious to get you out and hopeful you will come on your own.  You seem to be moving less that you had been.  Could it just be that you are out of room?  The doctor doesn't seem to be concerned.  I am.

Tomorrow we meet with the surgeon about scheduling your c-section and I am hoping he will consider the 23rd (38 weeks) or at the latest the 28th (to match the same number as your brother).

I have been waking up every morning and getting out the monitor to hear your heartbeat.  I keep feeling like we are going to get to the very last day and I am going to lose you.  Is it God preparing me for something?  Is it me just being worried?  I know that whatever happens is for the best for all of us, but as a mommy, I just want to protect you and Turner from harm and heartache.  I know that God can do that perfectly where I cannot.

Lord, help me as I care for my family and learn to trust fully in you.  I know you are the giver of life and you have allowed me the blessed opportunity to be pregnant again with a precious little girl.  You know my desire is to have her, love her, care of her and so much more, but you know what is best for us all.  If the fears that I am experiencing are unfounded, please help me.  If the fears that I am having are you preparing my heart for something, please help me.  Help me make sure that I walk a different path than I have been on with Jordan.  I have been so angry that I didn't get to have our little baby and have struggled so as I have watched people be pregnant and have babies.  Help me as Jordan's due date approaches.  Help me in the sadness.  Help me replace it with joy and expectancy in you.

Madilyne, momma loves you no matter what God has in store for us.  You will always be in my heart.


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