Nine precious months with you

By Lynette D. L. Myers
September 5, 2012

The day I realized that I was pregnant, I began to plan and dream of you.  I was scared to tell people because I had just lost your sister Jordan and was trying to protect myself from the pain of people knowing and the tears that could come if I lost you too.  I wanted to shout from the roof tops that God’s promise to me that I would have another little baby was coming true.

God had shown me such a pretty picture in the clouds on the day that we had lost Jordan.  It was a picture of God giving us you.  I was positive that meant we had nothing to fear, God had it in control.  That didn’t mean that I didn’t take on fear more than I should.  It is such an easy thing to take back and think you have control over.

My pregnancy with you was never easy.  There was not a day that I did not suffer with some kind of pain.  This was completely new to me as Turner was the easiest pregnancy ever.   I had to continue to remind myself that even though there was great pain, the miracle that was growing inside of me was a blessing from the Lord.  I had to actively choose to see it as such, as the pain was often more than I wanted to bear.

I loved feeling your movements.  You never held still and I LOVED it.  You did like to put yourself in positions that made the movements hard to handle at times, but still, I would take the time to stop place my hand at the place I felt movement because I loved to feel you on the inside and out.

Turner and I would read to you a lot.  Turner liked to talk directly into my belly button as we had made up stories about how you could hear him best if he did that.  Turner loved knowing he was going to be a big brother and had ordered up a little sister that would have orange hair with a little bit of blue and blue eyes.  Turner loved to dream of things for you and what he would do when you came home.  He was excited to play with you and hold you.  He tried to tell you of all his favorite things and was certain you would love him too.  He helped pick out clothes and toys and anything for you.  You have a great brother in him.  We had been teaching him how he was to protect you because he was a boy.  He was going to be in charge of showing you the right things to do because he was the big brother.

Our nine months together had lots of times of rest.  I am not great at slowing down and maybe you knew that already and that is why the pain had to be there.  I was able to really just be a part of all your movements and help Turner share in those quiet and precious times together.  I missed out on lots of outings due to the pain, but looking back now, Turner was not hurt by my missing and daddy got to really develop an even better relationship with him, and I was able to enjoy that time with you.  I am so glad knowing now that I had that.  We had some great times to talk together.  You knew my voice and responded.

You didn’t like me to eat much but fruit and vegetables, so mommy stayed pretty healthy for most of the time.  It wasn’t until the very end that your doctor started to say you were measuring large.  I knew that anyway, you were in my belly and I FELT the weight. 

I so hoped to be able to deliver you naturally, but am thankful now that God put it on my heart to set up a c-section.  I could not have imagined having to go natural knowing what I know now.

As the 9 months was coming to an end, I was so excited to meet you.  I was so excited you were a girl.  I had to clean your closet out twice to do some thinning and you hadn’t even arrived yet.  You were loved by so many and we were thankful for all the clothing you were blessed with by people passing on their love-me-down items.

The day that we were to go to the hospital, I woke up early because the last week you just were not moving as much and always caused me concern.  I got out my Doppler so I could listen to your heart.  You never liked people to listen and would make it so hard to find, but I did find it and it was slower than typical.  Daddy decided we should go in a little early.

On our way to the hospital, Auntie Keli called and prayed with us and while she prayed you kicked me hard in the ribs.  I loved the reassurance and felt that all was fine.  We got there and they set us up and started to hook me up to get your vitals.  The nurse was working hard to find your heartbeat.  We were not worried because you never cooperated once in 9 months in this area.  The nurse told us that he heard you moving, so again no reason for concern.  When he told us he was going to get the doctor because he wasn’t good at using the machine, my heart raced a bit, but figured he said he heard you, no worries.  Daddy had to get something to eat so his blood sugar wouldn’t plummet and while he was gone is when I received the most horrific news a mother could ever expect to hear.  I just started screaming and wailing wanting you back, not believing that for 9 months you were fine and that just minutes ago you kicked me and now they are saying that just 2 hours before I am to hold you, you have no heartbeat.  What in the world?  How could this be true?  This is just a nightmare like so many others I had.

I told them to leave and immediately picked up the phone to call someone…I just started dialing numbers and asking whomever was on the other end to pray for a miracle…either to start your heart or help my heart be ready.  After I could not think of another number to call, I started beating on my stomach hoping that this could suffice for CPR for you, my little one, and that your heart would start.  Alas, it did not and we had to deliver one of the most beautiful and fat little precious angels you could ever imagine laying eyes on.  As we stared at you, we just waited for you to take your first breathe because it just looked like you wanted to…you didn’t look gone…your color was great….the doctors said they could find NO reason you were gone…..This was NOT the miracle that God wanted to perform that day.

We had time of weeping, prayer, laughter, numbness, celebration, and the emotions just kept going.  Our little doll baby was gone and our hopes for you right with it.

We did however experience several miracles that day.  My heart did find peace and my marriage found hope.  You, our little Lena, provided us many gifts in those few hours after your passing.  It is always so great to be able to know that God gives good gifts and when something like this happens, there is still something in it that is a good gift.  What makes it even better is when the evidence of what that gift is comes right on the tail of the tragedy.  We did not have to wait long to start walking out and seeing the goodness that God had in store for us.  While we are heartbroken that it took you, our daughter, not being here and our hopes for you laid to rest, we are thrilled to know that your death was not in vain. 

We are able to rejoice that you will never experience the pain here and you went straight to perfection where now you are even more beautiful and completely content sitting with our Jesus.

We are better able to identify the sacrifice that God gave with sending Jesus.  And while we didn’t willingly sacrifice our daughter, we can understand the pain associated with watching your special child die.

While we still have sadness, we choose to see the Hope that we have in Christ.  Without Him, our lives would feel empty, our daughter’s death would feel so pointless, but we know that God will use your life and our testimony in the middle of our grief to bring Him glory.

We thank Him for the time we did have with you, our precious baby doll Lena and hope to be found faithful to God as we always remember the changes that came because our little girl had to die.

We will love you and miss you - forever and always my baby you’ll be.

Love you to the moon and back,

Momma