Happy 3rd birthday, Jordan Rae.

Three years ago we lost our first baby. I miss you, Jordan Rae. I never got to know you as much as your sister Madilyne, but I wonder often what our family would be like if you, Madilyne and Elisha were here in our arms. 

These days don't ever really get easier. I miss you all so much. I long to see you, kiss you, smell your hair, inhale your scent, change your diapers, hold your hand, run my fingers over your soft, dimpled hand, see the rolls of chunk on your body, hear your cries and coos and sighs. 

So many "what could have beens" to live with. 

I will always miss you. My heart aches because my love for you continues and you aren't here to receive it. This love was only meant for you. No other child can ever have the love intended for you. Each of you have your own special place on mommy's heart. 

I love you Jordan Rae. 

You went to see Jesus 5 years to the day from when your great grandma went home to Jesus. I am glad you were able to be held and loved by her and so many others that I love and adore. You are not alone and that gives me comfort. 

I know heaven isn't like earth, but since I am still in an earthly body, I do not understand heavenly things, so it helps this mommy to think of you being loved by those I know. 

Know I love you so and I still cry and ache for you. I move forward each day because God has me here for your brothers. It is not easy to walk without you, but there is still joy because Jesus is in me and I have the pleasure if loving your brothers. 

Until we meet again.  My love will continue.