24 October 2012

Dear Madilyne,

I feel like such a terrible mom.  My heart is so pained by the loss of you, but you are not the only baby I have lost or child for that matter, yet the thought of you has taken over my mind completely, that the others are not fore front.  What kind of mom forgets her other kids?

For that matter, I have Turner David alive and with me and for the life of me, I can't remember what life was like before you, or even before the boys.  I don't know how to get back on a schedule.  I don't know how to make my home function.  Will this always be how it is, or is it just me figuring out grief and how to change my hopes of you, into, into...what?  I don't know what they need to be converted to, but I feel that they need to so I can move forward.  Turner needs me, Daddy needs me.  I need them.

I pray that I can figure out what I need to do to create a new and different life for our family.  It will never be the same, but we still have a life and we must live it.  It kills me to think of living without you, but that is what I must do.  God is still calling me to something here, and so I have to figure out what that is.  Someday I will be with you and will have all eternity to live with you, but until then, I will forever mourn you being gone from us, but I still must live in joyful celebration of what God has given to me and what He has called me to do.  I just hope God will show me what it is I am to do.  I need help.

I miss you oh so much...God, please hug her special for me tonight.

Love you forever and always.

Momma